10 June, 2017

shaken not stirred

my life here in texas has been decidedly minimalist when it comes to social interactions (if not house size and growing number of possessions*) and i'm fine with it. i talk to my YEG crew almost every day and i love it as much as i need it, but since TB left us to return to canada in his retirement, there are very few people i really want to see. however - i've become friendly with our next door neighbour, a woman with two young kids about 14 years my junior. you can tell she craves company and we enjoy the odd lunch or hang out. today i went with her and her kids to the local farmers' market, then told her they were welcome to hang by our pool if they wanted. a few hours later they came and then another friend joined us, and then a couple with two more children. by the time early evening rolled around we have 6 adults and 4 kids and my ambivert nature pendulum swung decidedly to the intro- side and i began to feel unwell. there was a physical aspect to it and once most people left, i ate the belated supper that mr. monkey cooked for us, and then went upstairs. the guys laughed at me, telling me i was breaking my record for going to bed early and i could not explain to them that i don't need to be in bed - i need to be alone. i went upstairs, did yoga, showered, and popped an ativan because i was actually physically shaking but should be ok soon because i am blessedly alone.

thing is - you cannot explain this to some people. the response is usually a very good natured, "stay with us! it'll be fun!" or a less good natured, "why don't you want to hang out with us?" and other assorted attempts to cajole or guilt me into staying. and when the other parties don't suffer from a similar personality type, they do. not. get. the. need. to. be. alone. the physical, visceral, deep-seated, bone-deep need to not be around anyone else. i'm not rude. i'm not standoffish. i'm not an asshole (well, sometimes i am an asshole, but that's neither here nor there), but i need this. this is the point in the party if i'm out somewhere, that i bid a discreet adieu to the host or hostess ("aaw! stay a little longer! come on!) and i leave. i walk home, even if the walk is lengthy and it's snowing out. it's rare that i let it get to the point that i did today and thank god, cause i feel like shit right now and all because i suddenly developed an allergy to humans when i was surrounded by them.

there are some exceptions to the rule - some people (and you know who you are) whom i can see and want to see and even sometimes need to see even when i don't want to see anyone. people, i guess, who don't qualify as anyone. there aren't any here anymore.

well, the lorazepam is slowly unkinking the frazzled heap of my neurons. thank FUCK for drugs.

tomorrow, i shall speak to no one.



*yes, spoons, too, why'd you ask?

5 comments:

Zhoen said...

Yes.
Although, since House, I have not felt this in the House.

But, yes, physical revulsion to being Out Among People.

Geneviève Goggin said...

I understand that. I get a mild version of it. The flip side is that you (or at least I do) feel elated when you know there is alone time on the horizon. I don't mean when a you already feel terrible, but when you're fine and you just look forward to alone time like it will be an exciting adventure. Like when the boys go to the island and I have the house to myself. I don't utter a word for 24 hours.
That all said, I hope you don't get lonely without close friends down there. Take care, Geneviève

polish chick said...

zhoen - it rarely gets physical with me. this was really rather exceptional, but i think it might be because of how limited my social interactions have been here. and i do tend to feel unwilling to engage as much as i would at home.

g - i get that! when kuba plans to go off on some work-related trip, i love that time! even though my life essentially doesn't look all that different, i relish being alone. and if he's gone for a few days i go out of my way to plan not to see anyone else because i want that time to be fully mine.

and no, i don't get lonely. thank god for e-communication in all its glorious variety!

Geneviève Goggin said...

Yes, communication sure is easy these days. I forgot to mention that I also look forward to eating all the things I love, even if the are very unhealthy, and I don't have to deal with the wants or dislikes of others. I'm due for some such time but alas, there is none on the horizon.

Geneviève Goggin said...

Yes, communication sure is easy these days. I forgot to mention that I also look forward to eating all the things I love, even if the are very unhealthy, and I don't have to deal with the wants or dislikes of others. I'm due for some such time but alas, there is none on the horizon.