28 April, 2017

moonlight OR sunlight depending on your energy needs

i've been keeping myself all introverted, cultivating my existing friendships, enjoying the last week of TB's sojourn here in texas, skyping (skype'ing?) with my yeg friends, and just generally being uncharacteristically minimalist when it comes to humans. but in my walks i have run into a woman who is a birder and with whom i had a thoroughly enjoyable conversation - so much so that she asked that we exchange phone numbers. wednesday last she suggested we meet at a kick-ass local nursery for a free class on flower essences. seeing as i'm heavily into the whole essential oil thang, i figured this would be more of the same. boy, was i wrong!

the class started with the teacher stating her extensive credentials (she is an RN, and a naturopath, and a something something, and such) and listing her accomplishments with strange tangential asides about modern medicine and smoking pot healing allergies (hey, i'm listening!!!). When she moved on to homeopathy and the way it works (it's the energy of the plants that imbues the water with healing properties) i started focusing all my efforts on keeping my eyes unrolled. memorable topics raised included, but were not limited to: our ancestors who had gained their knowledge about healing energy from lost civilisations; the healing energy of the planet; her triumph over not one, not two, but three incredibly rare autoimmune diseases, each of which alone could have killed her, using nothing but the healing energy of plants. so yes, healing energy featured prominently.

she blathered on, lacking not only any scientific basis but also any charm that might have made her blather more palatable. eventually she had a volunteer come up and demonstrate how to make the eponymous flower essence. my foreshortened (for humanitarian reasons) version follows:

1. get a pho-sized glass bowl. this bowl has to be dedicated to the making of flower essences and as such, cannot be washed in the dishwasher or using dish soap because #chemicals. one may only wash it with chemical-free epsom salts. (oh lord. don't even.)

2. fill the bowl with spring water. this is important. you can't just use normal water because #chemicals. we don't want those muddying the purity of our flower essence.

3. pick a flower whose scent speaks to you, without touching the petals. do NOT use any flowers from the nightshade family or any other poisonous plants. one needs far more training to play with that particular brand of fire.

4. using stainless steel tweezers (ditto re: dedication, cleansing, etc.) gently pluck the petals from the flower and place each petal into the bowl of water until the bowl is covered with petals or the flower is done. do NOT use pistils or stamens of the flower! this is VERY important. i don't know why, but it is. possibly because #science?

5. having done this, place the bowl in either direct sunlight or direct moonlight for 2-4 hours to allow the flower's essence to diffuse into the chemical free spring water.

6. once that's done, strain the flower essence water into a large bottle. fill the bottle ¾ full, and top up the rest with vodka or gin (now we're talkin'!). this is your mother solution. it's far too powerful to use as is.

7. for safer solution, take the mother solution and fill a smaller bottle ¾ full, then top up the rest with vodka or gin. this is a potent medicine.

8. for personal use, take a wee tiny bottle, fill it ¾... well, you get the drift. put 2 drops of this under your tongue every 15 minutes. if it does nothing, you may need to use a different flower since this one obviously is not aligned with your energy.

Q & A:

Q. do you have to put it outside or can it be by a window?
A. either works, though if you do put it by a window, the window has to be cleaned using vinegar and/or epsom salts, instead of chemicals, so as not to affect the quality of the light.

Q. do you cover it or let it sit open?
A. you can leave it open.
Q. but what if a leaf or a fly falls in?
A. nature knows what it is doing. if a leaf falls in, it's likely that this was exactly what you needed. nature cares for you in these small ways.
Q. what if it's a leaf from one of the nightshade plants?
A. then throw it all out and start from fresh (no mention of why nature would choose to try and poison you)

Q. what is better, sunlight or moonlight?
A. it depends on what kind of energy you want to infuse into the essence. sunlight is a more active, or masculine energy. moonlight is more calming, or feminine energy. listen to your heart.

the best thing about the class was the ginger cat that meandered between our legs and jumped on the tables in search of bits of sandwich. it tried to mount our table but slipped and scratched my left thigh, then dangled for a bit in a most amusing way before dropping back into the grass. i suppose i should have rubbed the area with a chemical free napkin that had been lying in the same room as a black malva flower for 3 hours during a full moon, but i decided to take my chances.

i'm fine.

21 April, 2017

public service announcement

this is not a blog post. this is an article that i think EVERYONE should read.

my only wish is for a government that makes evidence-based policy decisions. all else would fall into place. but, as crusty juggler just advised me, i'm not holding my breath.

read this and share it. please.

12 April, 2017

fashion tips for the apocalypse

so here's my looting shopping list for the apocalypse. tell me if i missed something and why you think that.

1. antibiotics. broad-spectrum, narrow-spectrum, ointments, pills, whatever i can get my hands on.
2. bandages
3. duct tape (works best for blisters. ain't nobody wanna die of blisters in the apocalypse!)
4. comfortable boots. steel toed and heavy duty leather if possible.
5. toothbrushes and toothpaste and floss (ain't nobody wanna die of sepsis from a dental infection gone bad in the apocalypse!)
6. light down-filled jacket
7. good warm hat
8. sunglasses, several pairs - i can't live without sunglasses: my eyeballs are sensitive and hurt and no, i'm not trying to be cool, i'm just trying to be comfortable.
9. tarp
10. down sleeping bag
11. water purification tablets
12. water bottle (large, insulated)
13. chocolate and nuts (fast source of energy and protein, that's why!)

ok, i'm running out of steam. anyone wanna add to this list, please do so in the comments which have been so sparse lately i'm thinking nobody loves me anymore* except for a couple voices (and you know who you are). the apocalypse is coming - what do YOU want to pack*?

*pack yer bags! we're going on a guilt trip!

03 April, 2017


i walk along the bayou on an almost daily basis and each time i go, i see turtles. usually they are mere panicked splashes in the murky water as i approach, but on several occasions i have had them cross my path: big and little; with tail and without; plain and patterned; skittish or resigned.

this morning's turtle was a big'un, sitting there in the grass, looking up at me in a decidedly pissed off manner:

i squatted for a while and looked it in the eye (i ain't gonna take no shit from no turtle!) and eventually decided to see what the hell was up - i.e. why was it just sitting there and looking at me instead of a. shutting itself up in its handy carrying case or b. fucking off.

i told mr. monkey all about my adventure just now:

moi: i saw the turtle today. i think it was laying eggs.

mr. monkey: how do you know?

moi: i lifted it up and it had its butt in a slimy hole.

mr. m: well, there you go. you just witnessed the miracle of birth!

i sure have. and it was just as heavy on mucus as i expected it to be.