12 January, 2017

tubes

on monday i had an endoscopy. i felt calm and relaxed about the whole thing right up until sunday night when it hit me that, hey! someone's gonna be sticking a very long tube with a camera at the end right into my giblets and rummaging around. then i got over it and slept.

when i got to the medical clinic and got presented with the nearly 1k bill, i almost decided, right then and there, that i could very simply stick an elongated selfie stick down my own throat, with similar effect but for far far less money. alas, common sense prevailed. having said that, i'm still not used to being billed for medical procedures and find it an absolutely odious way to run a country.

i was told to take off my wedding/engagement rings and because i so seldom do it, it took a whole packet of medical lubricant and some heavy duty contortions to get them removed. i told the nurses it clearly showed i don't pop into bars and pretend to be single on a regular basis. they had a chuckle over this (although it might have been the sight of red-faced me, grunting and twisting into bizarre postures to get those damn rings off).

in the pre-op room, i changed into a fetching butt-flapping robe, got fitted with a stylish hospital bracelet, and hooked up to IV. once in the operating room, i was told to gargle something vile-tasting, nearly impossible to gargle because of its viscosity. when i half-gagged, half-gargled as much as i could, dreaming of spitting the whole mess out, the nurse told me to swallow. low point of the day for damn sure.

in went an oxygen tube and a bite block. by then the drugs hit me because the last thing i remember is the gastroenterologist sticking a black thing in my mouth and then i woke up in the post op area, mr. monkey sitting beside me, stroking my head. i'd had full anesthesia before, and waking up from that is pure hell. whatever they gave me this time (some gorgeous thing ending in "ol", i think) was a down duvet of a drug. all the way home i went back and forth between slipping into a glorious semiconsciousness and talking ceaselessly. it was a strange combination, albeit a pleasant one.

i slept the rest of the day away and the following night. the verdict? my giblets are lovely to look at with the notable exception of my stomach lining which is the wrong colour apparently. funny how all these years nobody thought to mention that to me. too polite, i guess.

5 comments:

Geneviève Goggin said...

The highlight of my gastroscopy and colonoscopy was definitely the wild feeling of whatever they gave. The whole thing seemed to take zero seconds from start to finish. One second the doctor who, would not look me in the eye, said pull your knees up, and at the end of that same second I was in post-op (but with nobody stroking my head). It was so cool that I momentarily considered yelling "again!".
So...about your stomach lining...I hope it's nothing major and that it can be explained by the copious amounts of borsch you ate the day before.

Zhoen said...

Propofol. Same thing that killed Michael Jackson, but he didn't have an anesthesiologist and attendant monitors. I shall refrain from further comment for the usual reasons.

Tom said...

I like Zhoen's upbeat comment. :)

Lucy said...

I'm sure your giblets are delightful to know too! Glad all's well.

What colour is your stomach lining supposed to be?

polish chick said...

lucy - my stomach lining is more red than pink. i just looked at all the photos and man, do we ever have a lot of sphincters in our body! and all of them seem some version of pink/rose/blush/red.
and for your first bit - i haven't ever been told that someone hates my guts, so that's close, no?

zhoen - don't worry, i wasn't planning on using it recreationally, but i can totally understand why that poor man used/abused it. it's a sweet escape from the problems of the world... for the moment at least.

tom - ha!

g - no beets in my diet that day, alas.