on monday i had an endoscopy. i felt calm and relaxed about the whole thing right up until sunday night when it hit me that, hey! someone's gonna be sticking a very long tube with a camera at the end right into my giblets and rummaging around. then i got over it and slept.
when i got to the medical clinic and got presented with the nearly 1k bill, i almost decided, right then and there, that i could very simply stick an elongated selfie stick down my own throat, with similar effect but for far far less money. alas, common sense prevailed. having said that, i'm still not used to being billed for medical procedures and find it an absolutely odious way to run a country.
i was told to take off my wedding/engagement rings and because i so seldom do it, it took a whole packet of medical lubricant and some heavy duty contortions to get them removed. i told the nurses it clearly showed i don't pop into bars and pretend to be single on a regular basis. they had a chuckle over this (although it might have been the sight of red-faced me, grunting and twisting into bizarre postures to get those damn rings off).
in the pre-op room, i changed into a fetching butt-flapping robe, got fitted with a stylish hospital bracelet, and hooked up to IV. once in the operating room, i was told to gargle something vile-tasting, nearly impossible to gargle because of its viscosity. when i half-gagged, half-gargled as much as i could, dreaming of spitting the whole mess out, the nurse told me to swallow. low point of the day for damn sure.
in went an oxygen tube and a bite block. by then the drugs hit me because the last thing i remember is the gastroenterologist sticking a black thing in my mouth and then i woke up in the post op area, mr. monkey sitting beside me, stroking my head. i'd had full anesthesia before, and waking up from that is pure hell. whatever they gave me this time (some gorgeous thing ending in "ol", i think) was a down duvet of a drug. all the way home i went back and forth between slipping into a glorious semiconsciousness and talking ceaselessly. it was a strange combination, albeit a pleasant one.
i slept the rest of the day away and the following night. the verdict? my giblets are lovely to look at with the notable exception of my stomach lining which is the wrong colour apparently. funny how all these years nobody thought to mention that to me. too polite, i guess.