16 June, 2016

there are things that need to be dealt with

1. we walked into the back yard this evening and what should we see on the top of the fence post but a giant disembowelled grasshopper. i'm going to have to have a talk with larry about leaving his unfinished dinner lying around. just plain rude and not the way we conduct ourselves in this household.  bad larry!

2. i had a glass of wine and then a glass of bourbon and found that caring about american politics becomes ever so much easier when i've had a drink or two  three. i realised that if i manage to stay tipsy until i die, i might be just fine! simple, non? no, no it's not. it's hard to maintain a nice buzz without falling head first into full fledged alcoholism. but i'm trying! watch me!

3. in related news i have vowed to henceforth tweet and share only art, baby animals, or heart-warming stories until the goddamn election is over. fuck you, negativity, fuck you and your ilk! i'm sick of you and i ain't gonna play no more. i responded to two trumpists and i am not doing that again. americans take their second amendment waaaay the hell too seriously and i am done caring.

4. the downside to owning a pool is that you are unwilling to pee in it. this is a pain in the butt: the whole getting out, drying off, schlepping to the washroom. i realise i just confessed to peeing in the occasional public pool. if you want to judge me, go ahead, but i don't believe that you have never peed in a public pool. in the interest of full disclosure, i will also now confess that i once pooped in the ocean. it was a long day on a wild beach - what else could i have done?

5. mr. monkey and i are off to poland on monday for 2 weeks. we will go to our friends' wedding and then spend some time in my neck of the woods saying a proper goodbye to my grandma (i.e. walking the paths she taught me as a child). if i manage to keep their similarly insane politics out of my head, we'll have a grand old time. as for you, world, it's time to swing back left. this right wing thing isn't working out so well for me.

6. and finally, i want you to know how much i appreciate having all y'all in my life. in a world that seems seriously in need of an intervention. y'all rock!

06 June, 2016

brain be like gone

at one point in my book club year we read still alice* and it scared the shit out of me because i became immediately convinced that i have early onset alzheimer's. when the book club met it turned out that all the women were terrified they had it so that cheered me up somewhat. but then these weird things happened:

  • before one of the white sands marathons i was talking to some fellow crazies marathoners and bragging about the number of marathons my dad had run (over 60) vis-a-vis his age. thing is, he had just had a big birthday, 60 or 65, and i knew this, but at this moment i suddenly lost (or gained, i can't remember) a year. and i couldn't figure it out no matter what. 
  • several times, in 2-5 second chunks, i got confused about whether it was fall or spring, each shoulder season being similarly brown and unappealing in edmonton, but there were several distinct moments of utter temporal disorientation.

then i turned 40 and started talking to other women who had recently turned 40 and it turned out that this is the new norm: being stupid is how this thing plays out apparently. remember that awesome vocabulary you used to have? no? exactly. so i sort of made my peace with the holes that showed up in my brain and learned to walk around them using various mnemonic devices and parlour tricks.

then sunday night mr. monkey, tb, and i were watching the stanley cup finals when suddenly i looked at the scoreboard and could not for the life of me figure out what the numbers meant. did the bigger number mean that team had scored more or had had more scored against them? and because i realised this was pretty much insane (one doesn't need to know the ins and outs of hockey to know that in any team sport 3:0 means a certain immutable thing) i decided to quietly figure it out in my brain, and explain it to myself in a way that i could understand: in tiny baby steps. and i finally did. but shit, people, it rather frightened me.

if that is the case, if i do lose my marbles, if i fail to make it home, or if i forget my name (i have no hope of retrieving my vocabulary at this point - that thing is gone!), would you please tell mr. monkey that it started around the time of my second marathon and that he has my blessing to move on to someone sane if i'm drooling quietly in a corner somewhere? thanks.

addendum: or i could just drink lots of champagne!!!


*and may i take this opportunity to say how much i hate book covers with photos of the movie that was based on the book?

05 June, 2016

settling in or just settling?

we had tb over for supper on friday, reinstating our friday night supper/alcohol/conversation tradition and hosting our first actual meal at The Canoe. it was fun, but it also made me look at this place with a critical eye - i don't think it feels like home yet, not quite. one thing: music! music seems to fill some of the hugeness of the house and makes it feel more cozy. a second thing i just did this morning: i brought a small antique dresser and mirror from the bedroom and installed it on the strange large blank wall whose odd window placement means it is resistant to art hanging (at least in my mind's eye). it will act as our bar, and it warms up that damn wall remarkably:


the third thing: i need to put up curtains and soon. i am absolutely allergic to blinds and find them as hard to clean as they are to look at. they make the place look sterile and hospital-like, neither of which is the look that i'm aiming for.

and yes, in case you're wondering, the floor does have a strange reddish tinge to it, but that's the floor i have so that's the floor i will try to love. i keep looking at this place and wondering how one can put one's own stamp on a decidedly bland suburban home, but then i realise that my mom did exactly that in every house that she's lived in, so i suppose it's not the end of the world. and hey, let me give you some more glimpses into my life so you can see what all the fuss is about:


and here, last but not least, is the yard that doesn't require mowing, only, you know seventeen types of pool chemicals thrown in at various intervals and into various portions thereof. however, and it's a big however (HOWEVER!!!!!!!), when it's hot, and it gets damn hot here, this thing is a blessing and i'm not gonna say another bad word against it. also, that's larry the lizard, lounging languidly (ain't he cute?):




i have just received my social insurance number, am about to go and get my texas driver's license, and have started applying for jobs. the shit, it just got real, ladies and gentlemen in the audience. 

most boring post ever. over and out.