01 December, 2016

explanations

how do you explain to someone who has only ever had a situational depression that your depression is based on nothing but the chemicals in your brain? how do you tell someone you love and who loves you that you are broken and scared that he will stop loving you because of how illogical and broken you are? how do you explain to him that his attempts to make you look at this logically are not only fruitless but also hurtful? i know none of this is logical. i know i've only been here two months. i know he only left less than a week ago. none of this matters. what matters is that i'm broken and sad.

i am a broken fucked up nest of snakes, inextricably tangled, hopeless and stupid and annoying and useless. i know none of these things are true but the point is, they FEEL true, and feeling will always beat knowing when it feels this real.

mr. monkey told me to see someone. not a counsellor, someone else. i don't know who i'm supposed to see. a psychiatrist? he'll give me more drugs. i already have more drugs which seem to not be working. unless their point is to make me cry uncontrollably for long intervals, seemingly out of the blue in which case, they're working brilliantly.

seriously, though, if you have any ideas about how to explain depression to the un-depressed in terms that they can understand, i'd totally appreciate any links or suggestions.

took half a sleeping pill.
seem to be drying off a bit in the eyeball department.
good night.

4 comments:

Zhoen said...

Sorry. I kept getting mis-diagnosed with depression that was actually ptsd. Nothing wrong with a good neurological work-up, though. The bananaologist should be able to recommend a good one.

And go out and walk. Any dogs you could borrow?

Crusty Juggler said...

I don't think it's necessary, or even possible, to make someone understand what it's like. The most important thing is that he believes you when you tell him: 1.how you feel and that you know it's not rational, 2.that there's no quick fix he can provide, but 3.that his presence is helpful in itself.

But there are many people trying to explain things to their loved ones, so maybe there will be something useful in one of these: https://themighty.com/2016/05/letter-to-husband-explaining-anxiety-and-depression/
http://www.duffthepsych.com/depressionletter/

Lucy said...

I fear perhaps your - as in one's, I'm not slighting mr monkey or indeed anyone - husband may be the worst person to try to make understand. He may be the kindest, most sensitive, sympathetic, intelligent of men, and may well even be very capable of listening, counselling and helping other people he's not married to, but as your spouse he can't detach, he will quite likely feel helpless, put upon, frustrated, accused and guilty, unable to fix the problem while desperate to see it fixed, all of which will get in the way of showing he believes you as Crusty J says, or even of just offering you the most simple comfort and kindness, which could help a bit.

As you will, being depressed, hypersensitive and not resilient, become aware of this, you may even end up having to comfort and reassure him, which will be at best unhelpful to both of you and make you feel even more miserable and likely resentful to boot.

Sorry, I can't help much, and this analysis may not be at all accurate, but I guess you might well need to finding some other external help, professional or otherwise.

Just as a matter of interest, how's your relationship with your dad?

polish chick said...

thank you, all. you're awesome and i appreciate you being here in my corner. things seem to be getting worse, but maybe that means they'll get better soon? maybe? who knows!