06 November, 2016


i was living in my cousin's basement up to a week ago. that's where i had that breakdown from the last post. sitting on a sofa bed in the dark at 2am, bawling my damn fool eyeballs out. things feel better now.

last thursday i moved into my cousin's gorgeous brand new house that's huge and airy and modern  and white and echoing in all sorts of magical ways. it's never been lived in and because he feels it won't sell over the winter, i've been set up as a sort of house sitter. my rent is exactly what it would be in my parents' rental plus it's about a 7 min walk to work. i feel like a rich person without the encumbrances of furniture. just me and some beautiful art on the walls. i do get a bed. and a couple towels.

the night i moved in here, i went to the grocery store and bought myself the makings of a greek salad. i realised i had no knives so i bought one of those and only when i was unpacking the groceries did i realise that i had neither forks nor spoons. i cut the salad fixin's into large pieces and ate it with my fingers. the next morning's planned yogurt for breakfast didn't happen for obvious reasons and i broke fast with a glass of milk and granola eaten straight from a box. posting my plight on facebook (#nospoons) caused a friend to give me a beautifully bundled bunch of mismatched spoons from a second hand store and yogurt has become a reality. funny how simple life can be. i wanted to minimize my possessions. i wanted fewer spoons. joke's on me!

the house is right on the edge of downtown, and right on the edge of a ravine. there's the constant comforting drone of traffic on the road below but all i see is trees. it's a strange sort of lot and it's the reason my cousin bought it - best of both worlds. yesterday morning, i looked out the window of my upstairs bedroom at the large sloping yard and noticed that one of the pieces of recently laid sod was flipped upside down. i walked down in the afternoon and flipped it back over. this morning, another piece was upside down. i admit i was a little freaked out - animals don't scare me; bipeds with a bizarre sense of humour do. i called my cousin and found out the likeliest culprit is the coyotes that lived on this lot until it was taken from them by the development. coyotes i can deal with, though i do wish they'd leave the outdoor "carpeting" alone.

work goes. it's interesting and some days fulfilling. personality issues are being ironed out. i'm teaching myself that part of choosing to put my big girl pants on is growing a thicker skin or at least learning to take things less personally, or, at the very least, not considering running away whenever i feel mistreated or disrespected. most days i succeed. i meditate daily. i walk more than i have for the last year in texas. i miss mr. monkey and am consistently failing to get him to pick up his cellphone when i call, so our communication is limited to daily morning calls to his work landline and late evening skype sessions. clearly, he's not a fan of the telephone portion of cellular technology.

i will try to blog more, but right now i'm relishing my silence and peace. trying to piece together some semblance of balance and inner peace in what is really a rather unhinged time in my life.


Zhoen said...

Sorry about the clog, but then I'm only posting a bit more than usual.

Glad you have spoons. My first place I didn't have a plate or bowl, but I did have a Frisbee, which I ate off for the first month.

Tom said...

Thinking of you, friend. Alas can offer nothing more that loving thoughts.

polish chick said...

tom - thank you.

zhoen - i wasn't exactly clear and came across as an asshole. i have nothing against the nanowhatever it is. but, like many people in our information age, i suffer from infomania, so seeing unread items in my inbox (or my feed) makes me anxious. the feed is far fuller during november which is hardly something to apologize for. i'm working on not feeling so overwhelmed by all the information/reading material etc. that i feel i ought to consume. and at the end of the day, i hardly need to read it all, do i? i guess there's also the (self) added pressure to post a thoughtful comment. thank GOD you have a drop-a-stone policy or i'd go mad, ha ha!

so don't ever feel you must apologise for my particular neuroses.

polish chick said...

i removed the last bit, zhoen. it was an asshole statement and i won't stand by it. keep writing!

Zhoen said...

You are allowed to be an asshole occasionally, no worries.

Geneviève Goggin said...

When you wake up in the morning and look in the closet, you're never drawn to the big girl pants. They're a bit tight, not stretchy enough, and the fabric is scratchy. You just want to put on those yoga pants...again. But once you have the BG pants on and add a nice top and a few carefully selected accessories, you look in the mirror and suddenly you feel like you can at least fake this adulting thing. And you know what they say: fake it 'til you make it. It's not easy thickening ones skin. Celebrate the baby steps.

Lucy said...

That house is really beautiful, but I can imagine rattling around in it with no spoons and no husband and coyotes turning over the lawn might feel a bit lonely some times.

Good luck with the big girl pants. You can always sneakily undo them a bit under the table or under a big sweater.

Zhoen said...

I wear men's jeans a lot.

polish chick said...

g - pants as metaphor for life. yes.

lucy - it is beautiful, and i think that rattling in it all alone is exactly what i need while i get used to spending work hours around people 5 days a week, but yes, it is not what i'd choose for a long term solution. which is fine, because it really isn't. the coyotes are ok. i'm a big fan of predators, it's the prey that annoys me!

z - and why the hell not? it's all so random!