17 November, 2016


i have another 2h before mr. monkey lands so i might as well talk to you. hi. how are you? are things going well for you? i certainly hope they are. i like you. i want you to be happy. am i happy? why, no, no i am not. i have my moments, sure, but i'd say that overall, the prevailing winds have not been happy winds.

the other day at work i gradually realised i was so anxious and tense that all the muscles in my head were feeling super twangy, like tightly wound guitar strings. TWANGGGG!!!! TWANNGGGGG!!! i had to use every power in my meagre considerable mental health arsenal of mindfulness to de-twang my muscles. i didn't manage to do it all the way, just enough to enable me to breathe properly. breathing is important, i'm told.

why was i so stressed? ah, see, there's this vicious circle that happens when you're depressed/anxious: you feel like shit, and so you come to believe that you're shit, and the work you're doing is shit, and you're liable to get fired in approximately, oh, say 5 minutes, and the anxiety caused by those thoughts causes you to become dull - all of that mental energy focused on the fight-or-flight response doesn't give you all that much intellectual wiggle room so you miss things, obvious things, and because you already feel like shit, you think, hey! i'm missing obvious things because i'm a shitty idiot who's shit at the job she's doing and that she's about to be fired from. this doesn't tend to make you feel better and so the spiral continues.

i'm currently learning to use the practice of mindfulness to nip this in the bud, but boy howdy, this particular anxiety attack was a doozy! (huh - is that how you spell doozy? seems weird, no?) at any rate, it happened several times and because my tennis elbow* was becoming seriously painful, i decided to go see my doctor. ok, confession time: i'd decided to go see my doctor about a month ago but somehow something always managed to come up and so i put my health second. tonight i finally saw my doctor and now i'm getting cortisone shots in my tennis elbow (whenever i get around to it).  i also told her that my anti-bananas medication isn't working any more. and i need more. please and thank you.

ok, let's reframe. i suspect that if i lived a normal life in which i lived in some sort of stability, with one job, in one place, with one husband, the anti-bananas medications would function quite well. alas, i keep engaging in massive upheavals like a crazy person (ha!) which means that my life choices have resulted in chaos that is far beyond the range of what your average decently acting anti-bananas medication can handle. the fault is not in the anti-bananas medication; the fault is in my life choices. i admit it, but nevertheless, i need more anti-bananas.

my doctor will consult her wise books, she will converse with a shrinkologist, and she will write me a prescription for something to will fill the gaps in my sanity. perhaps all this will work and it will result in me 1. not being fucking miserable all the time, 2. not having a twangy head, 3. figuring out what the hell i want from life (other than mental health, again, please and thank you).

in the meantime, mr. monkey's going to be here in just over an hour!!!!!!!!!!!!

*this time it's my left arm which i use to play tennis exactly as much as my right arm, which suffered from tennis elbow several years ago. i'm SO giving up tennis.


the auntologist said...

Get out of my head! Oh no, I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you are doing all the right things! So as a therapist I knew used to say: this is a win! Keep on doing the right things! Avoid the unhealthy things that make it worse! Take good care of yourself! And of course keep up the awesome work of being my only commenter! Yay!

Tom said...

Much as I regret the hell you're going through, you are doing a great service to your readers with such entertaining posts. But seriously, my regret over your trials and tribulations does run deep. And your determination to get things sorted is a wonder to behold. Hope your meeting with your "one husband" was all you hoped for.

Lucy said...

Oh bugger. Hope you now have Mr M with you and that helps a bit. Hang on in there, it will settle a bit, surely.

And yes, you are a lovely faithful kind commenter to me too.

polish chick said...

ah, thank you all. mr. monkey is a big help, although i did cry all the way to the airport and then bawled all the way back. i think he might be a little concerned now, i wonder why...

Zhoen said...

There's a little strap to go on the lower arm that helps the tennis elbow. I could even send you mine, I think I know where it is.

Be kind, especially to yourself, which will spread all over the people around you. Be courageous, the night is dark and the winter comes on. Beyond that - the rest of your life of love and purpose and generous joy.

Geneviève Goggin said...

You have smart friends. They are correct in saying that you are doing the right things and should be proud of that. Plus we all love you. xo

Zhoen said...

Happy Thanksgiving, even if it isn't Canadian Thanksgiving, still, no need to be stingy about these holidays.