09 October, 2016

elm branches outlined in snow

i tried newness. each time it was the old adage - wherever you go, there you are. some places were fine; some horrid, but newness by itself achieved nothing. just like coming home, despite the comfort level inherent in it, will achieve nothing without an active input of... oh god, i'm not quite sure of what, though it's some flavour of being a responsible grown-up who doesn't run away the second things turn wonky.

i drove home today from a delightful turkey dinner and caught snippets of my past in my rear view mirror. turning down one street conjured up flashes of my 20's. driving under an overpass brought back my teenage self, high school bound, high on the drug that is young adulthood. not whole memories but tiny shards with just enough context to bring back stories about my life.

that is the joy (and pain) of being home - so many tales on every street corner, under particular trees, around bends, and bridges. this place has stories of me written all over the map, and i am fine with that: right now i want to be somewhere that knows the stages of my being - who i was, who i am, all that happened in between. this place means i was, i am,  though no promises of i will be - one never knows.

it snowed all friday afternoon, all saturday, and a chunk of sunday. last year the october long weekend was sunshine and warmth - you never know around here. slush, snow, a windshield wiper that chose the most inopportune moment to self destruct, and a winter that came too soon (although winter comes when it comes. "too soon" is not a term that can be applied in this case, no matter what we think).

this one other small thing (again):

i've been angry for the last couple of days. impatient. petulant. livid. done. exhausted. because i feel the darkness coming and i am so profoundly sick and tired of it. i feel like i work on my mental health so goddamned hard and the chemicals in my brain are all, hey! you know what? FUCK you! fuck you and your effort!  mindfulness? pfffft! meditation? ptooie on your meditation! conscious breathing? i fart in your general direction! therapy? ha! expensive designer drugs? well, that was nice for a year or two, wasn't it? but now? FUCK those too! the joy of coming home? FUCK that! new job? MASSIVE SELF-ESTEEM CRISIS!!! FUCK YEAH! breathing? SO OVER IT! another 40-50 years of this? no, thanks. i am a morbidly obese person living on celery and water, running a marathon a day, and still gaining weight that (spoiler alert!) isn't muscle.

yeah, i realise i have moved cities (and provinces AND countries) in the last 6 years. i have dropped out of a lengthy career-type whatsit, gone to grad school, left my husband to live by myself twice, started two new jobs, etc. etc. all of which, statistically speaking, is pretty much designed to fuck up my equanimity, and i've done it not once, not twice, but, like, a whole bunch of times that still manages to stick to the single digits but just barely. so yeah, technically i know i have a right to feel this way, but i also know that i don't give a goddamned fuck about how unsurprising this is - i just want to feel human again. hissy fit? why, yes! yes, i am having a hissy fit! i am having a hissy fit because i'm so over being allergic to life.

and btw, dear poultries, don't feel the need to be helpful and stuff because this isn't an easy one (or any longer an interesting one, if it ever was that) to comment on. i have my tools; they have proven ineffective. i am searching for new tools, so really just wish me luck and move on. nothing to see here. someone will come by and clean up the mess soon, i'm sure.


Zhoen said...

(sending crate of tissues)

puncturedbicycle said...

Sorry you're feeling rubbish. (Yk, not to reduce your feelings to symptoms, but hypothyroidism perchance? When I got mine sorted out a lot of emotional stuff fell into place.) In any case I hope you come out the other side soon.

polish chick said...

zhone - i think i'm seriously decimating some forests all on my own! how about a nice fabric handkerchief?

pb - i will look into that. seeing my doc soon. thing is, i have a history of depression, and they say once depressed, twice depressed, you have a 90-some chance of being depressed again, so the stats are surely against me! also - insane life choices over a relatively short term. still, my energy is shit, too, so i may have to look into all options. and you're not being reductive - you're being helpful! so glad to see you're still here, btw!

Lucy said...

Yes, but you are doing it, and surviving it so far, and keeping self-aware, however difficult that is... anyway. Seems a bit of a bugger that home is a place with endless winter when seasonal affectedness is part of the problem, but I suppose you can't do much about that.

That first bit reminded me a bit of how I've been feeling going back over some Bob Dylan stuff since he won the prize. Being brought up close to the landmarks of your past can be painful and difficult but sometimes you need to do it to connect with things inside.

Zhoen said...

Vitamin D pills help me a little, when it gets dark.