28 September, 2016

the gelatinous sads

so i'm in the middle of an entirely unproductive morning, too busy feeling like shit to get shit done. crying, actually, because i suddenly feel like my silly little heart is gonna break, even though i know it won't, and i know we'll be fine, and i know we've done it before, but try explaining that to a crying heart. it just won't listen. and since whenever i feel like shit i come here, here i am. again.

let's talk this through, shall we? let's dig through all the gelatinous bitter tear goop and get at the hard kernel of truth beneath:

1. taking this job was the right and correct decision. i have no doubt of this.

2. moving back to edmonton is the right thing to do.

3. i have an unbelievable support network in edmonton - family and friends, and i don't mean "hey, you're ok!" friends but true heart's friends, amazing human beans that bring joy into my life and make me think better about myself.

4. looking for work in texas (like, seriously furiously looking, not just sending out a couple resumes as i did) was beyond me for reasons such as: i don't want to live in texas.

5. i don't want to live in texas. not for any length of time.

6. i don't want to live in the US. love visiting, don't wanna live here.

7. mr. monkey feels the same about 2. and 5., although maybe not as emphatically as i do, so me moving home is a good first step in getting both of us home.

8. i am excited about this job, like for realz, not just because it's a job.

9. i have a year+ blank in my resume, which means that i needed to get this job badly.

10. mr. monkey will be home in november for a week, and then i will be in texas for christmas. we will see each other. we can talk daily because technology.

11. staying in texas is not an option. if i stay in texas and fail to find a job, things between us will revert to tense and all the sweetness will be lost. i will hate myself, i will feel like i'm wasting my life, i will be angry and ugly and bitter. he will resent me, he will feel like he's working his ass off for the both of us, he will be tired and stressed and i will see it and hate myself even more. this has happened before and is not just a theoretical exercise. so, let me repeat: staying in texas is not an option.

having enumerated all the logical bits and pieces, it's clear that this is the correct decision and i am not making a mistake. what i am doing is feeling entirely reasonable feelings under the circumstances: this sucks. it sucks badly and hurts a lot but it doesn't change the facts, which are that i must put my big girl pants on (jesus! i haven't worn pants in months!!!) and feel my feels, and then get shit done and move on, and make things work.

8 comments:

Tom said...

It is clear what your feelings are for Mr. M, and it has taken (and will continue to take) a great deal of courage to see this project through. But then, I have never thought you to be short on what it takes. One day before very long, perhaps you will both be in the same place - together - and content. Be certain of one thing, there are friends all over just wishing you well and......you know.

polish chick said...

thank you, tom, i really appreciate it, and i really truly love having you and lucy in my life. it's crazy that it helps, but help it does!

Lucy said...

It's funny, you see yourself in a certain situation in the future which will be good; you know it will be painful getting there but it will be worthwhile, but just knowing it never seems to quite prepare you for the pain when it comes, or not much anyway. But then you will see yourself in that situation in the past and it will make another kind of sense. This may not be very comforting or indeed very coherent.

It would be perhaps more to worry about if your present situation wasn't painful?

Joan said...

Hey there! I forgot you blogged because I'm in Canada and therefore have a life. Just tuned in today to catch up although Terry has been keeping me informed of your activities. Funny you have Dylan Moran as your picture as I just bought Emily and her man tickets to his show in Halifax! Love Black Books!

Congrats on the job!

If Terry can survive, Mr M can survive. They can lean on each other.

Now someone else knows my feelings about living in The Woodlands, without a job. You can understand my leaving in the spring to work in Canada. I can't believe I will have to endure my last winter in Texas without you though! Damn!

Zhoen said...

As you well know, just because something is right, and leading in all the correct directions, don't make it feel nice. Like necessary surgery. Scary, painful, annoying, wrenching... no matter how needful. A Texasectomy is a major operation. Stay focused on the end, but you know how much this is all going to hurt, and that's entirely appropriate.

Go ahead and cry, I won't tell anyone. Here, have a tissue.

polish chick said...

lucy - no, i get it. i totally get it. it will be one more thing i managed to get through and survive. and thank you.

joan - dylan's been in my life for a good few years now since agatha (aka crusty juggler) intro'd me to black books. he's brilliant, funny, handsome, and adorable. i've seen his stand up many times but never live.

and i know both menfolk can survive. they're neither of them that good at leaning, but hey, they's grown ups and need to do what needs to be done.

i'm planning to come to texas for christmas - try to be there, eh?

polish chick said...

zhoen - ah, a texasectomy isn't so bad, but the monkeyectomy part of it is. but yeah, i gotcha. it's actually a very apt analogy, as always. thank you.

Zhoen said...

pc,

Your response starting "joan - dylan's been in my life for a good few years now since" threw me for a loop. Well, names.

You're getting a texasectomy to save Mrmonkeyandpolishchick. Better?