16 August, 2016

lady's choice

driving mr. monkey home after lunch yesterday i simply opened my mouth and told him that i'd be looking for work in edmonton and that my plan of action was to return there. he looked at me a second and said ok. i listed the way i see things: the things to sell, the things to refinance, the things to buy, the things to take, the things to leave behind. again, he said ok. i expected something more - a fight, perhaps, or an undermining of my ideas by way of reason. nope. he seems perfectly willing to let me take the lead and take us home. perhaps spending a week with his beloved nephews has something to do with it. or his increasing lack of professional happiness. or both.

i think i've given up on the idea of trying to make it work here. texas feels like a marriage undertaken under false pretences after a whirlwind romance that manifested nothing of the underlying reality. and, having once realised that i ran away, using texas as a convenient rebound after my work-implosion, i must now go back and make things right. somehow. sure, the analogy breaks down at some point, or else i'm just confused but i do think you can sort of work out what i'm trying to say. after all, you're still here, aren't you?

lately i've been nibbling on the edges of missing home. nothing too drastic: no favourite neighbourhoods or festivals (though tears were close to the surface when all my well meaning friends started sending me photos of themselves on the hill at the folk fest last weekend), just suddenly missing a particular bike path in jasper, or a specific (and rather unattractive) bit of 97 street near the empty prison. i find myself wanting, for some strange reason, to see things that never really mattered that much before. these are safe things to miss - unlikely to cause me to fall headfirst into misery. just small flavours of home.

i was talking to sanity salad today about how weird it feels to make this decision, and that maybe i shouldn't have done it. but as soon as those words are out i realised: what the hell else am i supposed to do? who else gets to decide? life? sanity salad told me life is not a decision maker, unless, of course, you let it become one.

zhoen recently suggested that i ask myself these three questions:

1. what do you know?
2. what do you want?
3. who do you love?

1. well, i know that i am happiest in edmonton. 
2. i want to be in edmonton.
3. i love my friends and family who are... wait for it: in edmonton!

kinda makes it clear, don't it?

8 comments:

Cthulku said...

That it do, yes.

And for entirely selfish reasons, Crusty and I want you - and Mr too, ideally - back in YEG.

Crusty Juggler said...

Yes. To me, the city feels weird without you guys. You tried a thing, but it didn't work out. It's a big thing you tried, yes. A big thing with loads of work to move, try to adjust, and try to make the best of something that wasn't either of you. But it's good that you tried, and now you know.

Zhoen said...

Well, I think Mr. M wants you to be happy. And you have a plan. Wonderful.

Edmonton will feel especially loved.

polish chick said...

c - thank you. i know this. y'all are family.

cj - we feel weird without the city. i was talking to SIL last night and i said i wasn't sorry we'd come. if we hadn't, we would always wander. but i also told mr. m in the car that i am done moving away from yeg.

z - he's not a sentimental sort, so this wasn't merely a reaction based on lurve - i think it was based on the fact that both of us are unhappy and i might be in a position to do something about it (fingers crossed).

the auntologist said...

Definitely go back! On any scale, Edmonton beats Texas. And you want to be gone before the election riots, of course, especially in Texas. Speaking of the apocalypse, I'm pretty worried about what a heavily armed, disenfranchised segment of the population will do when they're told they've been cheated out of an election. Unless you have a time machine, the best way forward is to make the best choices for right now! Good for you for doing it!

Geneviève Goggin said...
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Geneviève Goggin said...
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Geneviève Goggin said...

Sounds like a plan, Sam. Life is about constant course adjustment. If you don't adjust course when it's needed, you can end up in a pretty bad place...figuratively and literally
You go girl. Your poultries are behind you!