11 August, 2016

hiding out

i'm still in bed. mr. monkey's gone to work and i can hear activity downstairs: smallest nephew periodically yelling incoherent words, loud crashing noises from the kitchen. i don't want to investigate. i woke up with a headache and a sadness. both will pass, i'm sure, but i'm giving myself the luxury of a few more minutes by myself.

i could easily give up this damn big house. i could easily give up our stuff... well, some of it anyway. but you'd have to pry my solitude from my cold dead hands. and if that isn't a most solid reason not to have kids i don't know what is. when you have children, unless you're a total asshole or extremely talented at time management and/or time travel, you are essentially giving up your solitude for a good number of years. couldn't do that. would go mad. kill people, that sort of thing.

so i'll take a few more minutes, ignore the crashing and yelling (it sounds benign), and enjoy my last few minutes of being alone.


13 comments:

Geneviève Goggin said...
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Geneviève Goggin said...

That is accurate. and then you hit a point in the teenage years where you wish for less solitude. Some days the only sign I see that he lives here is the trail of dirty dishes and food on the kitchen counters.
Enjoy your quiet time.

Zhoen said...

Yup, I hear you. Alone with Dylan who is the guardian of my solitude, as I am of his. We've had kids here, and it's fun for a few hours. I don't mind spills and breaks and cleaning up after. But all the time? That way madness lies for both of us. We occasionally hug each other and say "thanks for not wanting kids."



Sabine said...

Yes, you hit the nail etc. And there is "worse" to come when grown up kids resent your newly rediscovered solitude as in "how come you don't have time for me NOW? How come you are so selfish all of a sudden?"

polish chick said...

g - i might like that even less. clean up after yourself, you ingrate, or get out of my house. see? good thing i'm not a mom!

z - yes!!! precisely!

s - like that harry chapin song, eh?

Geneviève Goggin said...

Yes, it's wearing on me. I won't deny that I look forward to being an empty nester. As we've discussed in the past, I can't say this kind of thing publicly for fear of being seen as a terrible mother and human being. Hopefully none of those people are following this here blog.

Zhoen said...

Geneviève,
I have had a number of people tell me, as an obviously safe ear, that much as they like and love their kids, if they'd known then how hard it was going to be, they'd never have had children. Anyone who would think less of you for those feelings is projecting their own fear of their own ambivalence.

It ain't easy. And it sure ain't easy doing it right.

Geneviève Goggin said...

I agree. I wouldn't have had kids if I'd known. I think it's an evolutionary strategy. If we knew, the species would come to an abrupt end. What I don't understand is how people can do it a second time. At least I learned...;-)

Geneviève Goggin said...
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polish chick said...

i know my cousin had wanted kids for a long time and loves being a dad. his wife isn't really the sort of person who'd question what she had and i really think she is happy though she will admit to being tired.

my SIL, too, is totally in her element. she wanted kids and having had them loves the whole experience. she also admits to being tired but would never ever go back. she tells me, though, that she's proud of me that i know my mind and have chosen to follow through on not wanting to be a parent.

i do think there are people for whom parenting is a natural state. sadly, i think there are many people who do it even though it isn't a natural state for them.

i also think that having more than one child is actually better - having one kid means all your efforts and attention is focused on this one small human. i think two is better than one - both for the kid and the parents, speaking from much observation and personal experience. i'd have loved to have had a sibling for my parents to deal with, and to leave me the fuck alone.

Geneviève Goggin said...

I think there is more gray than that. I truly wanted a child. Then I had one and realized it was probably not the right decision. That's life though...sometimes we make decisions that are right at the time and later something chances that makes you decide to make a course correction. You can do that with a career, not with a child.
As for the single child thing, that's a very personal choice and the "right" thing is not the same for every family. It's like telling someone it's better to have children than not to. It doesn't feel good when people tell me I should have given him a sibling. My body is still all fucked up from childbirth (going to physio in Tuesday for it), so physically there's no way I wanted a second. But also, he has said many times that he's glad he doesn't have a sibling. And I would have been a less good parent if I had to cope with even more parenting.
None if this changes the fact that you would have preferred to have had a sibling, but I don't think more children is necessarily better. It's just different. So really we're both right for our own personal experience.
:-)

polish chick said...

you're right, it is different for everyone.

Zhoen said...

Here's to knowing ourselves, and making the best of what we got!