what i've found in these recent moments of panic is the sudden realisation that what i'm going through is actually Real Life™. and how, then, can you not become clearly and unquestionably aware of the privilege of your position - when the very idea of Real Life™ only occasionally imposes on your peace of mind (medicated or not)? how then, can you not feel like a class one asshole who sits in the glorious position of someone for whom Real Life™ is nothing more than an unpleasant break in the monotony of an existence in which all things are pretty much taken care of and pleasantly irrelevant? this realisation, and all that follows, made me see that i've been acting very much like a child and it's time that i grow the hell up.
when i analysed the almost overwhelming fear and anxiety that accompanied the very possibility of my getting a planning job again, i came to the conclusion that despite some valid reasons for being frustrated with the planning world in general, and the planning world in north america in particular, my ultimate rejection of being a planner was nothing more than the angry and hurt response of someone who got kicked off a horse and never got back on again. the fact that i let my professional membership lapse (a fact that will now cost me an additional approx. 200CAD) is indication enough - i wanted to back out and burn the bridges; i wanted to lock the door behind me and have fewer ways of getting back in. and worst of all, i lied to myself about it: built a whole ideology about why and who and what and how this was the only proper way of going forth into yet another new (and possibly painless) direction!
last couple of days when i found myself working through this insane anxiety, i forced myself to realise that it was nothing more than fear. the fear of the horse that bucked me off a year ago. the fear of the possibility of a new job within my chosen profession. the fear of failure - that, more than anything else, is what caused this anxiety. the fear that i, who did well in school (oh, that ever fleeting and wholly imaginary world!) would damn well fail in the real world as i (half) feel i failed before. the fear that i will disappoint my friends c and sanity salad, not to mention n whose unfounded faith in me (unfounded not because i don't deserve faith, but because our interactions have been almost exclusively social and not professional in nature) is causing her to speak up for me to her boss. it's oh so easy to be above it all, to be smart and capable in one's own estimation, but having a job in my chosen field is the ultimate test, innit? this is the real world!
of course there is the other massive elephant in this room - me getting a job in edmonton (oh, look at all this talk of a job that i haven't even applied for yet because i can't seem to be able to finish tweaking my fucking CV!!!!) means that mr. monkey remains in texas while i head north, and that is nowhere near an easy choice to make. but i have decided today (while picking herbs from a family friend's garden) that i cannot do anything else but apply. if i fail to get interest, that's fine. if i get an interview and then don't get hired, that's fine, too. but if i don't even try, then i'm a privilege-surfing asshole. yes, i'm afraid. but you know what? i was terrified of going back to school but i did it. and you know what else? all my friends, every last one of them, were scared when they started a new job. and mr. monkey isn't happy at work, so me saying, no, i can't do it because i am scared privileges my emotional wellbeing over his and i can't continue to do that.
so there you have it. i realise that the internet isn't the place to announce how you'll get fit or over booze or stop mistreating your pet walrus, but this is MY place to tell you that at the very least this privileged upper-middle class white girl will get off her arse and TRY.
wish me luck.