27 July, 2016

on the same subject once again, this time with subtle differences undetectable without an electron miscroscope

came home to a cooler texas than i left it (yay!)
but i came home to a messier house than i left it (boo!)
came home to mr. monkey (yay!)
but i came home to a pool that is green and filled with algae (boo!)

i am singing the poor little rich girl blues
won't someone tell me what to doooo
i hate my big house
i hate my shit
i want nothing more to do with it
i am singing the poor little rich girl blues

i don't want this idiotic big house. i don't want all the idiotic things that are in it. i don't want to be here in this idiotic state in this bananas country. i don't know what to do, but in the meantime i'm looking for work at home. and trying to remember to meditate daily so that my head doesn't explode.

to end on a more positive note, here are some photos from my time in ontario:


Zhoen said...

Feed not the monster "IHATEMY." It only gets bigger. Find a few small things to like, and focus there, and change what touches those things you can admit a little liking for. Give yourself a little bubble of itsok, space to laugh at the ridiculousness that is.

What do you know? What do you want? Who do you love?


polish chick said...

you're right. you're totally right. and i have been trying, honestly! flexing my positivity muscles until i'm sore, hoping to make them grow. but just every once in a while, you know, it slips away from me and there i am, cooking up a five course dinner for the damn monster like a fool! and the sad thing is that all the daily (hourly!) flexing is so quickly undone by the one meal.

but damn, i'm tired of having to be so hypervigilant for the sake of my mental health. i envy the chronically joyous.

what do i know? what do i want? who do i love? i think only the last one is reasonably clear, and even that falters on occasion.

thank you.

Zhoen said...

Oh, I know you know. We all need reminders when in the midst of a Hatebattle. I do, anyway. And yeah, it takes practice and growing those muscles, and stressing them into exhaustion sometimes. When it becomes a reflex, and you laugh first thing, it really does help. That's when the hypervigilance wears away, and giggling takes over. Sometimes hysterical giggling, but whatever.

Geneviève Goggin said...

I hate that "fuck everything" feeling. I get it regularly, especially as it pertains to work and the rat race. I have no useful advice. Zhoen is much wiser.