11 April, 2016

are the contents of my fridge preventing me from selling the condo?

as i said before, when you're selling a home, you're selling a lifestyle (assuming, in an entirely statistically reasonable manner, that the majority of the human population lacks imagination and thus needs to be shown the wondrous possibilities inherent in living right here in this very house). my home right now shows them what it would be like to live in the heart of a city, to love art, and to lounge on the fuzzy skins of various dead ruminants. it shows them the svelte and sexy dazzle of urbanity. the floors gleam; the stainless steal glows; the vast expanse of counter space speaks to them of dinner parties with beautifully dressed, perfectly coiffed specimens of young professional urbanites. the pristine white bed hints at sexual shenanigans and breakfasts in bed (ew). the bookshelves...well, you get the idea.

and if i'm selling a sexy urban lifestyle, my fridge is selling...well, i'm not entirely sure exactly what my fridge is selling. behold, the contents of my fridge and the kind of lifestyle they suggest:
  • an almost full bottle of prosecco.("we drink, but elegantly! and in italian!")
  • an almost empty bottle of white wine. ("sometimes we drink a little less elegantly...and forget to finish the bottle.")
  • 4 litres of organic kefir ("we really, really, REALLY like dairy products and feel a little uncomfortable about it")
  • 2l of skim milk ("we are normal people concerned with weight and fitness.")
  • 3'4 of a cream-filled family-sized slab cake from my cake craving sunday ("we...eat cake? A LOT?")
  • 1 jar half filled with goat's milk dulce de leche  ("we conduct strange scientific experiments in the fridge.")
  • 1 half empty jar of plum butter ("we keep what looks like a dried up placenta in a jar in the fridge for reasons we'd rather not discuss, thank you very much.")
  • 1 half empty jar full of booze-infused cherries ("...to add flavour to the placenta.")
  • 1 bag of carrots ("oh thank god, we're healthy again!")
  • 1 bag of celery sticks (ditto)
  • 1 small jar of bacon grease ("oh, for fucks' sake, we fucking give up. realtor, show us another condo.")

10 comments:

Crusty Juggler said...

Why, oh WHY would you bring skim milk into your home? It's a liar! It's just murky, tasteless water *pretending* to be milk! This goes against everything I know about you, which is a lot.

Tom said...

Oh tsh! tsh! CJ. Tea tastes b----y awful with anything but fat-free milk. Murky it is not. It's HEALTHY. You just carry on as you're going PC. Good luck.

Crusty Juggler said...

I'll have you know I do not like milk of any kind in my tea. Ever. Like some sort of a tea purist! To each our own. No, no...skim milk is vile and debased! Sincerely,
a very healthy (thank you very much) Crusty Juggler.
I also eat butter. Mwah ha ha!

Crusty Juggler said...

Friends, open your minds :)
<img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b2/b2/a6/b2b2a6335d2eff41b15ae341b035cabd.jpg>

Crusty Juggler said...

Oh, for crying out loud! What is this archaic Blogger nonsense? https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b2/b2/a6/b2b2a6335d2eff41b15ae341b035cabd.jpg

polish chick said...

ok, this is gonna get weird. i'm gonna have to agree with the person yelling at me and disagree with the person who's got my back. here goes:

crusty - i agree with you that skim milk is now scientifically proven to be less healthy for you than whole milk. as a rule, i despise low fat or fat-free dairy products (i'm looking at you, floury yogurt!!!) and think they are an abomination, with the notable exception of skim milk which i actually prefer. on cereal, in shakes, NOT in coffee/tea/oatmeal.

tom - i like milk in my tea, but it has to be full or part fat milk. my predilection for tea with milk makes me an oddball in polish circles, as most poles seem to prefer their tea either black or with lemon, both of which give me heartburn.
i do not like skim milk in any hot beverage because, let's face it, skim milk *is* basically white water. and as i told crusty, science says the fat free version isn't that great, so, oddly enough, i look at my preference for skim (or 1%) milk as an UNhealthy habit.

lard is also making a comeback. as is butter. thank GOD!

Crusty Juggler said...

I can yell at you and have your back.

Tom said...

I give up: I'm clearly outnumbered, but it was fun while it lasted.

polish chick said...

crusty - yes, in general you CAN yell at me and have my back. i don't deny it.

tom - never give up! NEVER!

Zhoen said...

I like my tea black.