29 March, 2016

home is where the lard is

in order to get me to the airport on time, we had to get up at 4:30 and leave at 5am. with today's technology this should have been easy; with the two of us setting separate alarm clocks this should have been infallible. nope, neither. when mr. monkey's alarm went off, the first words out of his mouth were, how is it five o'clock? this propelled me out of bed and into the bathroom where i took a nanosecond look at my greasy bedhead and knew that it would have to do. we did manage to get to the airport on time, and all my flights went well, but it's hard to relax when your morning starts with a surge of adrenalin and a deep seated sense of incredulity that two intelligent highly educated people can't manage to get the wakey-uppy technology to work.

one problem that popped up fairly quickly is that my wifi cellphone is very limited in canada since when i'm not on a wifi network there isn't the backup cellular network that takes over in the states. as a result, i've been thrust into the deepest, darkest pre-cellular era. it is a truly frightening place that makes me wonder how anybody ever managed to have a social life, make plans, or ever be in touch with anyone ever. no, seriously, how did we do it? smoke signals? carrier pigeons? i honestly can't remember and even thinking about it makes me shiver. alas, if not for the charitable donation of my next door neighbours' internet (first night home had me push the laptop up against the wall and type lying on my side - as uncomfortable as it was inefficient) i would be cut off completely, forced to wander the streets, hoping against hope that i run into someone i know, or drinking countless cups of crappy coffee at the nearest starbucks just so that i can be connected.

all this wouldn't be that big of a deal if i was merely here for fun. heck, it might be kinda cool, in a techno-hermit sort of way. alas, i need to be in touch with our realtor, our tax accountant, and various other boring-as-shit people related to various other boring-as-shit grown up activities in which i must engage whilst here. there is a sense of panic that comes when you find yourself unable to communicate with others, sort of like helen keller, but in an electronic way.

i have now borrowed an unlocked phone from a friend but instead of going out and buying the first available pay-as-you-go plan for the visit, i'm treating this (at most 100$) purchase as something worthy of the type of serious research and worry normally reserved for buying a start-up company in the silicon valley or serious real estate in manhattan. in the midst of dealing with our inordinate amount of shit (i'm looking at you, mr. monkey!!!!!!*), i remain phoneless because i just can't seem to decide. i guess this is exactly the type of behaviour one can expect from a person who doesn't know how to operate an alarm clock.

*he doesn't read this blog


Tom said...

Ah, delightful! I must say that 4.30 - 5.00 am is a part of the space-time continuum with which I am entirely (or almost) unfamiliar. Long may it be so. I'm surprised that you appear never to have learned morse or semaphore codes. :) Alas and alack, how quickly Alexander Graham Bell has been forgotten.

Zhoen said...

This is why I have an analog, battery powered, chiming alarm clock. And I've been known to forget to set it at night. The more important it is, the more likely I am to miss it.

Just as when I have masses of decisions to make, the harder it is to make small ones. Global brain overheat.