24 February, 2016


i think i'd best stay off the scandinavian design blogs whilst searching for a house* in texas. because mr. monkey is adamant we get something newer than 2000 (which i adjusted to 1998 because metric..ahem) and i'm adamant i want something other than a vast bland expanse of grass in the backyard, it limits our choices somewhat. still, even if it hadn't, the houses available are almost uniformly beige, poorly designed, overly large, spatially wasteful, and...shall i say it? ugly as fuck. so yes, looking at sleek, small, superbly designed, smartly laid-out, and beautifully furnished homes in finland or sweden isn't exactly advisable right about now.

it's astonishing how 1990's texas design (and banking, and urban planning, and...) is - our realtor didn't understand what i meant when i asked about the lack of deep pull out drawers under the kitchen counter even in fancy expensive show homes. in fact, texas seems to be stuck at that particular point in design development that sees granite, stainless steel, wall-to-wall carpet, and his-and-hers bathroom sinks as the height of sophistication.

sure, i realise that this first world problem is right up there with complaining about my porsche getting a chip in the windshield or my tennis bracelet losing its lustre because the help didn't know how to buff it properly but it's my blog and i'll be entitled if i want to. and also - hey! sustainability! just because you have more land than sense, doesn't mean you should be building houses based on some anachronistic notion that imagines a formal dining room and a formal living room a regular part of modern people's daily lives, especially when said formal dining room is roughly 15m from the kitchen, across an expanse of light carpeting, clearly for the sheer entertainment value for people (like me) who love their beets and red wine.

and why do i need a bonus games/media room when i am already being sold a 300m²  monstrosity with 5 bedrooms and 3.78 bathrooms? speaking of which, do texans poop more than the rest of the world that there is an expectation of 2.3 bathrooms per capita? sure, it's nice to have more than one in the house, but having lived with just one for years, i can vouch that it is not an infringement on anyone's human rights.

so despite our best efforts we'll likely end up with a beige house with seventeen bathrooms, a formal dining room, a breakfast nook, a semi-formal dining room, a semi-informal dining room, a midnight snack nook, and a sink for every person in our immediate and extended family**! there will be plush carpeting in the bathroom to soak up dust mites and skin flakes! there will be wall-to-wall stainless steel granite and plantation shutters (i presume these come with slaves to operate them, and if they don't, i want my money back!). there will be expansive lawns and triple car garages! in a word, my poultries, there will be more than enough room for you to come visit us in the lap of texan luxury!

*yes, my poultries, the search is back on: we got pre-authorized for a mortgage which seems to have eased mr. monkey's anxiety somewhat.

** as they say: a family that flosses together, stays together!


Tom said...

Wot, no library?

polish chick said...

liberrys are elitist and part of a communist plot to make people question the status quo. NO...unless it's archie comics.

Zhoen said...

Gods, mcmansions, in beige. Bleucghhhh!

What's wrong with older houses? Says the woman with a 1911 house. Love hardwood floors. We would like a spare toilet, but it's not essential for more than about 20 minutes out of any year. Get a Tiny Home shipped to you, and plant a wilderness in the rest of the acreage.

Carpet, ptuuui.

I can tell Mr. Monkey and I are not suited, which is fine really, but.

polish chick said...

actually you and mr. monkey are suited very well - he wants a tiny home in the wilderness, and one he builds himself. he hates carpets and finds beige abhorrent. i think the only reason he wants newer (and keep in mind, in the woodlands the oldest is 1977) is because he doesn't want to do maintenance. having fully renovated 2 houses from the 1940's (with our own hands), he has become allergic to the smell of hold house. i get it, but i still think the older ones are more interesting here, even the ones from the 80's. anyhoo, we'll see what happens. i suspect, though, that i will be hard pressed to allow us to live in a mcmansion. ugh.