27 December, 2015

soul searching, end of the year edition

the time of the year is upon us again when we take stock of our sins and successes, our goods and our bads. there's something to this season that invites us to take a deeper look at where we're at and where we're heading.

i'm not one for new year's resolutions (i believe one can make changes at any time of the year and fail at them in a far less public manner) but i have found myself inadvertently learning a lesson in recent weeks, a repeat, if you will, of a lesson i'd smacked up against this fall. it's a painful lesson because it's never particularly comfortable to see oneself as a thoughtless selfish asshole, and this is precisely what happened. and no, the lesson isn't that i'm a thoughtless selfish asshole - though it's probably good to be reminded of one's faults every once in a while. no, the lesson is this: when faced with the choice of kindness or its opposite, it's best to err on the side of kindness. i've hollered and thrown myself about in anger at something that, in the end, was not only not worth that much negative emotion, but was quite literally the opposite of what i perceived it to be. the ways in which i saw myself being used were not there at all. the advantage taken was not really taken at all, or, at most, tiny crumbs thrown to the hungry, far far less than what i could easily spare.

i'm sorry if i'm not being more explicit, but there's really no need. suffice it to say that twice i acted like an asshole*, and twice was proven painfully wrong in my assessment of the situation. will i remember this lesson? one can hope for the best. if nothing else, not only for the sake of the world (because sometimes it's hard to care about the world, innit?), but for the sake of my own internal wellbeing, it is almost always better to err on the side of kindness. period.

stay koselig this winter, my beloved poultries, and stay kind!


*this particular flavour of asshole. i'm sure i've acted like an asshole far more than twice this year.

3 comments:

Tom said...

There's not much I can say in comment, except don't beat up on yourself any more than is strictly necessary. You really are a lovely person in all sorts of ways.

Zhoen said...

It's ok, just do better next time. We all have bad days, bad moments, make bad choices. Learning consistent kindness is fantastically difficult, until you get a good steam up and it becomes a reflex. That you are aware and trying means everything. It will be easier, every time you react kindly, oiling a path in your mind, creating a habit.

I feel like I do it more often than not, after long practice. And I still fail, just not so often. Not so badly, nor so obviously.

Brad Fischer said...

At least you are OUR asshole