25 November, 2015

rocking it like zaphod beeblebrox

since we received our shipping out date (11 january! that's in, like, 5 minutes, y'all!), i've been vociferously vacillating between a sense of excitement and a sense of dread. the end result is a sort of floaty numbness that's making it possible for me to get (some) shit done, i suppose.

the fact that my fabulous roommate and his wife will be our neighbours is wonderful. the many places we can see and do in the area is fantastic. the barbecued animal bits that make up a large part of local cuisine, along with real mexican food, cajun, crawfish, and nearby seafood is the bomb. as is the warmth. and the greenery.

but then there's the other side. when i think that d and crusty juggler are moving back to edmonton this summer, that sanity salad is even now looking for work here, that all my people are here, nearby, walking distance mostly! well, then the sadness hits. or not sadness. i don't even know what to call it because i think it's an emotion currently mediated by medication and shock, so it's more of a wide-eyed bewilderment.

and then i think: life! it's an adventure! let's be adventurous! and see new things! and i'm fine.

and then i think: life! it's all about your friends and family! and you're leaving them behind! and i'm not fine.

i suppose given my commitment to trying to work with rather than against reality, the fact that mr. monkey has to move there means that if anything, it's the positive side that i tend to focus on. why dwell on the sadness of something i cannot change? after all, they will visit, those lovelies; i know they will. many have visited us before as we made our nomadic way around north america, and they will do it again. but every once in a while, it just hits me and i sit there for a bit, feeling slightly shellshocked and confused.

at this point, i just want it to move forward. get this highly inconvenient poland trip out of the way, enjoy my days in amsterdam, come home, visit with d and crusty over the holidays, and relax into the sweetness of my life here, and then move and try to create a sweetness over there. it will be a different flavour, but i know that it can be done. and it will be an adventure!

8 comments:

Zhoen said...

You are of two heads, then. It's ok to grieve what you are losing, you know. Doesn't take away from the adventure, the necessity, or the joy. I still miss stuff in Detroit, in Boston, being in the Army (oh, the bullshitting in the middle of the night!) Every place, every time, there is something gone and forever missed, would be even more sad if there wasn't something worthwhile left behind.

Tom said...

I endorse Zhoen's comment, and add:-

and then i think: life! it's all about change. that can be fun, valuable, and interesting! and you will love it!

polish chick said...

oh, i know, i know. it's just that the two feelings superimposed one upon the other make for an interesting emotional...collage? palimpsest? oh! wait! i got it! MESS!

right now i'm focusing on meditating daily and not wishing this time away, as it is very tempting to do in these liminal moments, but all must be lived, the good, the bad, and the messy!

Lucy said...

And what a wonderful rich full life you have, seriously, with so much to miss and so much to look forward to. Enjoy, and be kind to yourself when you inevitably get tired and have wobbly moments, they will pass.

Joan said...

In your times of sadness remember this is only a temporary move.We have moved so many times and left behind great people. If we hadn't moved to their neighbourhood in the first place, we would not have met them!

When I speak to my friends back east that have never moved, they are jealous of my travels, and I am thinking of how much I miss them! Their feelings remind me to be grateful for the chance to see and experience another part of the world. The old friends will be there when I return, and in the meantime there's lots of ways to keep in touch!

polish chick said...

lucy - i keep reminding myself of this. though that old curse "may you live in interesting times" does sometimes come to mind...

joan - i know. although officially it's a permanent move, nothing is really permanent, is it? and you and ter being there really does lighten the load considerably! without that, i doubt i'd be so on board for this move!

Joan said...

Terry has also been thinking of extending his time here until 2017, so more party time!

Yes, nothing is permanent. You know you won't be here forever!

Geneviève Goggin said...

I can imagine how you feel. I can't think of anything particularly wise or comforting to say. Life is complicated and happy and sad and fun and hard and shit. You always seem to make the most of every place you live, so I have faith you'll do the same again.