20 November, 2015

self improvement classes for billy goats and meerkats

it’s worrying how much i had on my to do list following quitting my job and how little i actually accomplished. yoga? nope.  exercise in general? nope. printmaking classes? nope. art in general? nope. finishing my weaving? nope. i suppose i should focus on what i did accomplish: meditation, a whopping 10 days’ worth!  and it seems that i've finally been able to curtail my panic at the passage of time. after all, other than attempting to be mindful of life’s small steps, it makes little sense to wail at its speed (à la my mother in law). wailing at anything, at this point, seems stupid, wasteful. i like the woman, but hate her attitude of “oyoyoy! that's how people are - awful!” or “time is passing by so fast! oh my!” none of which is even remotely useful, other than encouraging a sense of panic and malaise, and hells, my hormones do that just fine on their own and hardly need any help from me. 

in my experience, while there are awful people, people as a rule aren’t awful. time passes how it passes. shit happens but good happens too. if anything, i am noticing a more balanced attitude in myself. oh hell, not always and not fully, not to sound smug and superior, but i think i’m getting better at it. i see the passage of time in my weekly pillbox, and when i have to refill it, seemingly mere minutes after i’ve just filled it last, that's when i sense the surge of panic at the gates, but i’ve been managing to keep it at bay, and fairly fully, too. once again, pounding your fists on the stone wall of reality is idiotic - might as well be angry that the sky is blue. what i'm finding the most surprising in this whole journey is that much of how we react to life's slings and arrows is actually within our control. what a strange and ultimately freeing revelation, though once easily lost amidst the turmoil of, say, the rush hour drive. 

so what am i getting at? just this and that. thinking about the good i've learned of late. thinking about the gratitude i feel that the daily meditation seems to have punctured the out-of-control anger i'd been feeling earlier. i suppose i'm surprised at the sense of pride i feel for all that i've accomplished, even though none of it is materially significant or possibly even noticeable. who knows, my friends and family might look at me and think, man, she's still the same spastic, overly emotional person she's always been and not see that buddha-like inner me smiling at life's vicissitudes. i never said the change was big (or even noticeable) but it's meaningful to me, and i suppose that's what matters in the end. 

over and out, dear poultries. thank you for your patience. 


Zhoen said...


Early on bad day, I'd be mocked for being chipper. "Might as well enjoy it now while it's not so bad. Only going to get worse!"

Strangely, that grin in the teeth of pessimism keeps me spinning. It's always not so bad now.

Tom said...

I recall that a few weeks after I sought help to deal with the legacy of living with an alcoholic, and much more about my own psycho-spiritual problems, someone said about me, "He hasn't changed one bit!" How very wrong they were. I agree totally with the last thought you expressed here. They don't the Buddha-like inner self. I suspect that in part that is because they see only what their preconceptions allow them to see.

Lucy said...

Oh god I'm turning into your mother-in-law. And I thought it was just my mother I was turning into. Oyoyoy life gets worse.

Still, you offer hope! Even if you don't get round to finishing your weaving.

polish chick said...

zhoen - everyone can grin in the face of joy. grinning in the face of adversity is a talent.

tom - thank you for that. it makes me feel much much better!

lucy - i'm sure that's not the case at all! your blog posts attest to that.

Geneviève Goggin said...

If you feel a difference it is what is most important. Even so, it would be nice to get a little external credit.