it's been several weeks since my last day at work (a month, very nearly) and i have accomplished approximately 2.84% of the tasks i set out to accomplish, thinking, silly girl that i am, that i would be inundated with free time. nope. instead i...well, i don't really know what it is that i'm doing exactly. spending more time walking, seeing the kids, pickling (well, ok, i've spent a lot of time pickling and pitting sour cherries for liqueur and freezing - but it hardly accounts for the whole month), seeing friends, organizing the kitchen, sorting clothes (and shamefully realising what i have to sell or give away amounts to a regular person's generous closet)...so i guess, yes, i have been doing things, but to put it in perspective, when i was in the depths of despair at work, i took a couple weeks and painted my whole apartment all by myself all after work. with time to spare for a glass of wine.
yesterday i finally washed the floors and wondered why it had taken me this long to do it. alas, the world is an exciting place filled with exciting things to see and do and think, and, in some small way, i have been seeing and doing and thinking some of them. i've also been seeing my bananologist who told me that this desire to be useful, to prove to myself and others (especially mr. monkey) that i am, indeed, a productive member of society earning my keep isn't the best thing for me right now. that it focuses my energies too much on being useful rather than reworking the definition of usefulness as it relates to my own good self.
as i've said before, i figured my midlife crisis was me going back to school at 40, and that, once done, i'd settle in at my dream job, my "happily ever after," and if fairytales and rom-coms have taught us anything, it's that a "happily ever after" cuts things off right at the interesting part. walking off into the sunset, holding hands, gazing meaningfully into each other's eyes...ah yes...i have found The One, and the audience can give a little self-satisfied sigh and move on to the next tale. alas, The One ended up not at all what i had thought it would be. not all bad, oh no, but hardly something that warranted one of these:
so i moved on. and before i did, i started seeing the most wonderful bananologist, who's helping me negotiate the path that i'm on. because that midlife crisis is still going on, and it turns out it's great! as brene brown puts it: "people may call what happens at midlife 'a crisis,' but it’s not. it’s an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re 'supposed' to live. the unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let to go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are. " which is precisely what is happening. yes, my poultries, i am unravelling, and i haven't felt this excited in a good long while.