24 August, 2015


feeling once again lightly buffeted by hormonal storms, more and more resentful of this whole once-a-month emotional shit show. up and down, and up and down, and up and down again, every month (or near enough as makes no difference) the same old thing - depression in miniature: wee little tendrils of darkness; doll size bouts of misery; diminutive doldrums. ugh. i can embrace the goddess /feminine mystique all i want, but in the end i'm fucking sick and tired of having my emotional wellbeing dictated to me by the particular hormonal cocktail coursing through my bloodstream on a monthly basis.

things i'm doing to make things worse:

  • blogging and pinteresting when i should be packing for my short camping trip, which makes me feel overwhelmed and gross, which in turn pushes me further into the arms of the interwebs to distract myself from these feelings, when what i really should do is just get the hell off the laptop, shower, pack, do what needs doing already. 

things i'm doing to make things better:

  • using a calendar to track all the small and large things that i am doing. i used to live by my paper calendars but since i stopped buying them, i stopped writing things down, which causes anxiety - what do i have to do?! did i forget an appointment? what's happening when?! i'm now relearning that useful habit but in virtual format.
  • getting rid of clothes. many, many, many clothes. i don't know why getting rid of things always feels so damn good, but it does.
  • forging a (very slow) path towards greater minimalism in all areas of my life
  • trying to figure out how to minimalise my social life - that's a tough one, balancing my deep deep need for solitude and quiet with my equally deep need for connection.
  • continuing to see my bananologist.
  • giving myself a deadline to be lazy until after labour day (apt, no?) when i plan to get my shit together. (edit: i went back and removed the particulars of me getting my shit together because science, and who am i to argue with science?)

what are you doing that makes things better or worse? lessons to share?
and yes, i am now getting off the laptop and going to take a shower. 

21 August, 2015

navel gazing whilst newly unemployed

it's been several weeks since my last day at work (a month, very nearly) and i have accomplished approximately 2.84% of the tasks i set out to accomplish, thinking, silly girl that i am, that i would be inundated with free time. nope. instead i...well, i don't really know what it is that i'm doing exactly. spending more time walking, seeing the kids, pickling (well, ok, i've spent a lot of time pickling and pitting sour cherries for liqueur and freezing  - but it hardly accounts for the whole month), seeing friends, organizing the kitchen, sorting clothes (and shamefully realising what i have to sell or give away amounts to a regular person's generous closet)...so i guess, yes, i have been doing things, but to put it in perspective, when i was in the depths of despair at work, i took a couple weeks and painted my whole apartment all by myself all after work. with time to spare for a glass of wine.

yesterday i finally washed the floors and wondered why it had taken me this long to do it. alas, the world is an exciting place filled with exciting things to see and do and think, and, in some small way, i have been seeing and doing and thinking some of them. i've also been seeing my bananologist who told me that this desire to be useful, to prove to myself and others (especially mr. monkey) that i am, indeed, a productive member of society earning my keep isn't the best thing for me right now. that it focuses my energies too much on being useful rather than reworking the definition of usefulness as it relates to my own good self.

as i've said before, i figured my midlife crisis was me going back to school at 40, and that, once done, i'd settle in at my dream job, my "happily ever after," and if fairytales and rom-coms have taught us anything, it's that a "happily ever after" cuts things off right at the interesting part. walking off into the sunset, holding hands, gazing meaningfully into each other's eyes...ah yes...i have found The One, and the audience can give a little self-satisfied sigh and move on to the next tale. alas, The One ended up not at all what i had thought it would be. not all bad, oh no, but hardly something that warranted one of these:

so i moved on. and before i did, i started seeing the most wonderful bananologist, who's helping me negotiate the path that i'm on. because that midlife crisis is still going on, and it turns out it's great! as brene brown puts it: "people may call what happens at midlife 'a crisis,' but it’s not. it’s an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re 'supposed' to live. the unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let to go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are. " which is precisely what is happening. yes, my poultries, i am unravelling, and i haven't felt this excited in a good long while.

10 August, 2015


please answer in the comments. i really am looking for a cross section of answers:

do you think that the world changes in tiny boring incremental steps because people lack audacity? do you think that a little more of said audacity would help bring about substantial changes?