24 July, 2015

arrivederci

today was my last day at work. it was glorious. i was as unproductive as possible, while still managing to get some stuff done so as not to leave my colleagues in a lurch. i was showered with good wishes and hugs and gifts and delightful sweets. i was reminded once again how much i love the people at work, and how much i will miss them.

when i left, i felt sad and glad in equal measures, with a sprinkling of guilt and self-doubt - was my decision good? should i have given it more time? did i give up too soon? was i throwing away something great? overall, though, the doubts were of the niggling rather than the overwhelming variety. i've stepped out into the world and i have no idea what's about to happen. terrifying and exciting, but for some reason i am failing to be terrified, i don't really know why (although i'm sure my safety net has a lot to do with it).

last night i went out to a gallery fundraiser with my lady friends to celebrate my incipient unemployment, and we drank wine, laughed, and compared war stories. man, does it ever feel amazing to be part of a group of women who get it, whatever "it" might be. when it got too loud, l and i went out for one last glass of wine at one of our favourite spots and talked more indepth. i told her about my recent epiphany about living deliberately*, and she said she had a similar revelation about living intentionally. we discussed how both these words appear to be the active side of the more passive mindfulness, and both seem an essential antidote to the mindless work-consume-work-consume cycle our society is pushing on us so single-mindedly.

funny thing that when you start digging and talking and thinking and searching, it turns out that the very same topics are being dug for, talked about, thought about, and searched for by others. some sort of cosmic synchronicity, if i believed in such thing.

so yes, my poultries, i am out. stepped out of one phase; looking for the next. ideas?


*i've been playing around with a thought for some time now, trying to formulate it coherently so that it would fit nicely in a sentence, all to no avail.  then bj came over for dinner and said the one word that put it all into perfect order: deliberate. the life i want to live is a deliberate life. the people who are my friends, are of a similar ilk: few people in my inner circle react willy-nilly to whatever life throws their way or make their decisions based on marketing campaigns. thoughtful, value-based choices, decisions grounded in something other than the immediacy of thoughtless desire for short-term gratification. that.

7 comments:

Tom said...

Very philosophical, but highlighting a problem which lies at the heart of many (most?) people's lives. Wishing you well as always. Nice to hear the serious side of Polish Chick now-and-again.

Joan said...

There might always be little pieces of uncertainty in a decision like this, but I bet the biggest feeling is relief! That's a sign that it was the correct choice! Now to find the job that really speaks to you!

Crusty Juggler said...

I'm proud of you, and I've ceremoniously decommissioned your business card.

Zhoen said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4WQ8hEIi3g&feature=youtu.be

Lucy said...

I sometimes think that much of the necessity of work for many people (apart from that pesky need for having enough money to live, which I do acknowledge, and I know I'm in danger of sounding patronising) or at least to be continually being as busy and exhausted as possible - and I'm afraid I tend to see having children as a bit of the same thing - is to be in such a strong current of activity imposed from the outside by other people's agendas and needs that they can avoid having to live much of a deliberate or examined life at all. In some ways I can see the attraction, having to supply a lot of your own motivation can be quite difficult, especially if you don't have one strong, lifelong driving talent or Thing That You Do. But I think it is worth it anyway.

So good luck and good courage in the next phase, don't be too hard on yourself if you don't always seem to be living up to your own expectations. Though it seems to go by faster and faster, life is actually quite long (all being well) and can encompass many phases and changes. Enjoy!

Geneviève Goggin said...

Onward and upward, my friend! Living a life that is deliberate and in line with your true self is remarkably difficult. If you'd told me that twenty years ago, I wouldn't have thought so, but is so. I'm struggling with that myself. Can't wait to compare notes next week!

polish chick said...

@tom - yes, i can get philosophical at times, and lately it seems to be all i am. thinking, thinking, thinking all the time. if this is my midlife crisis, i say bring it on. it sure is interesting! i'm starting to better understand your own drive for understanding!

@joan - thanks! here's hoping!

@crusty - i hope it was ceremoniously. i would expect no less!

@zhoen - amen! that pretty much covers it, doesn't it?

@lucy - yes, i think this is so true. and i agree re: children, they seem a HUGE amount of busyness - especially the way things are done these days! and thank you for your support, as always.

@g - looking forward to it too, my friend!