11 June, 2015

cooked

i've been waiting for something interesting* to happen that i could toss on the blog-grill, but nothing kept happening for a whole long while until today, when i microwaved my hands.

yes, you heard me. i microwaved my hands.

for a really short time, but still.

'twas getting close to lunch and i needed to heat up my chana masala** so i popped it into the microwave, set it to two minutes, and waited at my desk. when i went back into the kitchen, it was just getting to the final 5 second count-down*** and i stood and waited for the microwave to stop before i opened the door (as one does). when i put my hands in to retrieve my chana masala i realised the MICROWAVE WAS STILL RUNNING! i squealed and pulled my hands out and slammed the door shut, which caused the microwave to turn off. i opened the door again, and it started running. slam! off! open! on! slam! off! open! on!

my coworkers, alarmed by the slamming and squealing, came over to investigate and i had the opportunity to ascertain that i wasn't in fact hallucinating: the microwave really was shutting off when it was closed, and running when it was open.

at this point my fear of having  just microwaved my hands was fighting tooth and nail with my frustration at being unable to get my lunch out. i was really hungry! but i wanted to keep my hands! (eating chana masala sans hands**** could be…uncomfortable) eventually the coworkers managed to unplug and remove the microwave from its perch,and i could get at my delicious chana masala.

i learned, however, that the fear that one has just inadvertently microwaved one's hands will put a damper on the enjoyment of one's lunch. i kept checking if my right hand wasn't redder than the left. it felt funny. floppy, sort of. like a hot dog, you know? slightly painful in an utterly nondescript but equally disconcerting way. my eyes felt weird too - after all, i had been peering in when i first opened the damn door. i could have microwaved my eyes, too! i kept thinking about my poor denatured proteins.

everyone i told about my adventure (which was everyone who came into the kitchen for the rest of the day. and the people at the meeting. and the facebook people. and now you.) told me not to worry about the radiation, which confused me - i wasn't worried about the radiation! i was worried i had cooked my hands! entirely different!

eventually i did what every sane person does when looking for solid scientific research - i googled it. turns out microwaves can't really hurt you much in a couple seconds. and if the interwebs say that, it must be true, amirite?

despite the (surely peer-reviewed) post on yahoo answers, i was still nervous, but eventually was convinced that while the fan and rotating whatsit were working, the microwave itself likely was not, on account of there being no arcing from my rings. so there you go. i didn't really microwave my hands, which means that i could have totally skipped this whole post, and maintained radio silence. so sorry!




*getting really depressed about work and having a certain person blame me for things that are evidently not my fault using a raised voice is not a topic i'm willing to get into at this point.

**when mr. monkey goes away for any length of time, he cooks me a big pot of chickpeas, and then i make chana masala and eat it while he's away. he cooks them for me because he thinks if i use the pressure cooker, it'll explode and take my head off. given my propensity to stab myself, or even the general topic of this post, he might not be too far from the truth.

***yes, yes, i know i'm getting into excruciating detail, but i'm trying to build the tension. and see? you're totally tense!

****or worse yet, with floppy, microwave-boiled hands!

5 comments:

Zhoen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tom said...

Fascinating! Quite fascinating! In my experience, the page views for this post could well go stratospheric.

Cthulku said...

Your pressure cooker is pretty complicated. Which reminds me, I need to soak some chickpeas.

Even though you weren't irradiated, that's still an unsettling thing to happen. Good story, though! If the source was on, you'd probably have at least second degree burns under your ring, so that's a close shave. At least now you can use the tale of how you got your mUUUTANT hAAAAAnd!! to scare any unruly visiting children into good behaviour.

Crusty Juggler said...

You could have cooked your face! Yep, and the microwave is obviously occupied by a poltergeist. I'll send a bundle of sage right over, along with my Exorcist.

Lucy said...

If you'd left them in too long they'd go all wet and floppy then a couple of minutes later shrink and go all hard and biscuity, wouldn't that be weird? And just think about all those stray microwaves that must have been floating around the room from having the door open? The ramifications of this technical anomaly are immense! Perhaps you could take advantage the situation before it is fixed and shove your unpleasant and tyrannical co-worker's head into it?