i wonder if we, as a human race, are congenitally unable to learn our lessons and keep them learned. if we're condemned to perpetually repeat the same mistakes, chipping away at life in bursts of inspiration, pushing that damn rock up a hill, sisyphus-like, wondering philosophically what the fuck. then again, maybe it's just me. maybe others don't step in the same pile of shit twice…though i seriously doubt it, and not just to be charitable to myself because it's sunday and this is as close to church as i'm likely to get, but because there is compelling evidence that we are all, each and every one, committed shit-steppers: it is our way.
i feel like i'm once again exposing myself to getting hurt in a way that would seriously be too stupid if i let it, on account of work done under the same heading in the past. still, one thing i have carried with me over the years, is an (admittedly fluctuating) sense of self-acceptance: i will not, for fear of getting hurt, grow spines and wall myself off from the world and the (sometimes poky) people that inhabit it. some things are worth it, some are not, and the magic of living a life lies in finding and maintaining a balance that doesn't leave one flailing around emotionally while allowing for the various experiences you need to fluff out the resume of your existence. so you know, same old, same old.
ah, you say, you're being awfully enigmatic, the darling apple of our collective eye! yes, i answer, blushing prettily at such a sweet sweet compliment, i am being awfully enigmatic. you should have learned by now to expect full disclosure only on the emotional plane; the occurrences, events, happenings, and other whatsits that inspire said emotional responses are often off limits.
so what i'm doing is taking a deep breath, stepping back for a wee bit, and making a virtual in-my-head excel chart of pros and cons of a given situation so that i can make a cool and informed decision about where i stand…KIDDING! hell! seriously? did you think i could do that? really? because if you do, then you haven't been paying attention very well and should have marks taken off! because one of the things i rarely do is manage to plan out an emotional course of action. i'm ALL about flinging myself off cliffs, plunging into holes, and other assorted methodologies of light insanity. i just can't help it. so yes, right now, i am stepping back, taking a cool look at shit and analysing it and all, but i know that when the wind blows from a particular direction (or when i've got a couple glasses of wine in me) i will either slam that door again or fling it wide open, or possibly just maintain the fragile status-quo, and frankly, i have not a clue about which of the above is going to happen. i likely won't know until i've done it. i'm full of surprises like that.