02 June, 2014

crybaby

this morning my boss (the woman who interviewed and hired me twice now) came up to see how i'm doing: great. great! everything is great. my face hurts from smiling, everything is so goddamn great. i spent the day doing this and that, and chatting with the lovelies who came up from the third to say hi to me, and then had a solitary lunch and a non-smoke break (quick walk around the block long enough to finish a cigarette if i were a smoker) and then a heavy duty post-work walk to meet mr. monkey at a doctor's office 7km away, uphill and running and trying to sweat some of the goddamn great out of me.

in the car, on the way back, the great broke and i started to cry like a fucking three year old because i hate being on the fourth floor; hate being dumped unceremoniously among the autistic landscape architects, hate being put into a team that is taking so long to warm up to me that i keep checking if i still have a pulse. i have made one new friend. i have had one guffaw at my plant decoration*, which made me feel that there are still people who get me… a little. and so i cried like a small child, blowing snot bubbles and derailing our dinner plans (nobody wants to go into a restaurant while blubbering like a spoiled toddler, even a cheap vietnamese restaurant), laughing at myself intermittently, knowing that i was being immature, unreasonable and emotionally fucked-up, and hormonally emotional. having spent the weekend in calgary, i was also emotionally messed up from realising how much i miss not only school (well, my school people)  but also my fabulous roommate who really really REALLY is fucking fabulous. so yeah…having cried for the better part of an hour, i'm better now…ish.

i'm off on the road tomorrow night, going to start working for realz, yo. tell ya how it went. first stop? alberta's white supremacist capital! woot woot! if that doesn't make me appreciate the landscape architects, i don't know what will! i also am well aware of the fact that this is my typical transitional idiocy and that having found my pace, i shall do well… if the white supremacists don't get me.



*when i started working here last summer, my aunt gave me a small potted orchid to keep me company (not that i needed it last summer…sigh) and after producing its single solitary bloom, it went into hibernation mode. when i went back to school, i gave it to a co-worker for safe-keeping and only just reclaimed it midweek last. it isn't blooming now and has not bloomed since its early days, and so, because it is essentially just a small tangerine pot with some droopy-looking dark green leaves, i decided it needed a little something extra and i made a flag out of a pink post-it note. on it, in my best calligraphy, i wrote "herman the disappointing orchid," which i thought was pretty damn hilarious.

this weekend, when i told a lovely friend about it, he chastised me for being cruel: "sure," quoth he, "you could say a thing like that… IN YOUR HEAD!!! not to herman! how does that make him feel? maybe he's trying really hard and this is the best he can do!" needless to say i felt pretty badly about it, though not enough to take down the flag. herman needs tough love. life is NOT easy. why, sometimes you get put on the fourth floor!!!

4 comments:

Zhoen said...

Life isn't easy, so we must be especially kind to each other.

Zhoen said...

https://twitter.com/JimBenton/status/473238235808690176/photo/1

polish chick said...

oh lord. perfection.

trying to be kind. why is it always harder to do it to oneself than others, is the big question.

polish chick said...
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