07 April, 2014

the edge

i am standing on the edge of a precipice. the wind is whipping my hair into my face. the waves are crashing into the rocks below me and it seems like it's an insurmountable distance. there are voices behind me, and a huge sky in front. i know the water is bone-shatteringly cold, but i also know i cannot stand here for any length of time. after all, the way leads forward, doesn't it? i am filled with the same kind of excitement and fear and exhilaration that i felt last september: a sort of death-wish coupled with the awareness that to stop or go back would cost far more than the temporary comfort of no-change is worth. there might be sharks, sure. but maybe not. or maybe it doesn't matter, i mean, jesus - there are sharks everywhere (metaphorically speaking, of course).

all of last week or maybe two (you should seriously just make peace with the fact that the passage of time is beyond my grasp these days), i have been walking around with a knot in my belly. oddly enough, it's not the same sort of stomach knot that depression brings me - this one is a sort of deep visceral fear mixed in equal measures with excitement, elation and something i can't quite put my finger on, some sort of feeling of the beginning of another era, i suppose…

i think that it's essential to note that the feeling i have right now is a sort of uncontrollable giddiness not because i'm almost done, but because i'm in it. it's the being in it that's making me thrilled and scared and overwhelmed and fucked up and and and… you know, feeling feelings.

what i fear is that i won't be good enough. that they (those not-so-mythical "they" who STILL HAVEN'T CALLED ME BACK ABOUT A JOB!!!) will see that i am a stoopid fraud with only her big mouth to fall back on. but that's not the biggest fear. i fear a new life, not seeing the goofy mugs of the lovelies who have made me happy these last two years: k, with her quiet calm and ability to listen and say the perfect thing; c, who has taught me that in friendship age is irrelevant and who has continued to amaze me both with the unexpected depth of our connection and the shallowness of our gossip; mfr, whom i will miss for his kindness and caring and patience, and for being there and NOT being there precisely when i needed it; j, for her tranquil vibe and much-needed lessons in self-care; dd, for her frenetic energy and huge heart; and others and others and others…

i remember each time i left school for any length of time i felt i would die of loneliness, and then swiftly found myself splashing joyfully in the world that awaits me 298km north of here, and found i didn't die after all. except this time it's for good and i'm a big enough girl to know that friendships don't always last when the string gets pulled too taut.

but that's not all: this is big. this is the new me, diving into the ocean like a girl who forgot her fear of heights and sharks. watch me: this is big!

10 comments:

Tom said...

I don't think that any words of mine would be adequate to the task of responding to you....except that what you're going through right now is natural. Wishing you well!

Lucy said...

I hope you carry this joy and excitement, or at least the knowledge of it, with you always, whatever the next bit brings. Good luck!

polish chick said...

thank you both. it means so much to me to know that i have two people across the ocean who read this and care and wish me well. truly.

Zhoen said...

Strap on your wings, and jump.

In that order.

polish chick said...

i have no choice but to jump. i wasn't even going to strap on my wings - just do that acapulco dive into the great unknown.

thrilling! terrifying!

Zhoen said...

Didn't want you to think I wanted you to jump off a cliff and go splat.

polish chick said...

i was figuring more on a splash than a splat, but thank you!

Zhoen said...

I want you to jump off and soar.

Geneviève Goggin said...

So well put. It's a wonderful place to be. Many people go through life after their twenties never feeling what you're feeling again. Life is short. And it's long. Pushing yourself to that precipice is hard but worth it. Proud of you! Jump!

polish chick said...

jumped!