14 January, 2014

myths perpetuated by american television

  • couples sleep together wearing many layers of clothes even when they're married and sex is officially legal. AND they live in california or other hot places. must be the air conditioning.
  • when not encased in long-sleeved t-shirts, women sleep in sexy bras because they are very very comfortable. sometimes, if they're wearing sexy nighties, they will have a sexy bra underneath, for extra comfort.
  • women sleep in full make-up.
  • in sexual intercourse, the boy bits just sort of fall into the girl bits, without the need for any kind of awkward manoeuvring. 
  • women change their hairstyles seasonally (i.e. television season, not earth's rotation season), so that they will wear their curly hair straight for the entire 14 episodes, and then curly, for the next 14 episodes and so forth. if they change their make-up style, say, going all "edgy," this too will remain the same through the entire season. this must be not to confuse the viewers. 
  • all women have long hair. that's how we know that women are women and men are men and all is right in the universe. if they are police officers or secret agents, their hair remains their crowning glory, because a mannish job like that requires that extra bit of sex appeal. otherwise we would get confused about the roles of men and women in society and that is not good.
  • this is also the reason women police officers, secret agents, spies and assorted sundries always wear very high heels. 
  • when two people buddy up in a secret agent/police type situation, and they have a humorous conflict of personalities, it is always the man who is charmingly immature, rebellious, unwilling to follow the rules; and it is the woman who is serious, unsmiling, by-the-book and must keep the man on track. eventually he might be able to get through to her and teach her that life can sometimes be a lighthearted caper through the radish patch, while she manages to make him realise that sometimes following rules is a good thing, in that fewer people get killed. this is because men are perpetual children and women are mommies…i think. or maybe men are fun and women are not. or maybe… i dunno. you tell me.
  • everybody in the united states of america (with the notable exception of street folk, terrorist cells, and humorous hillbillies) lives in beautiful, spacious, historical apartments. even in new york.
  • strong female characters are bitchy and serious, else they could not be strong. strong woman = bitch. laughter and a sense of humour suggest frivolity and shallowness, unless you're a man, in which case you can be both strong AND funny. 
i could go on, and i am likely to pop back here and flesh out the list. 

why, then, do i watch television? because it's an escape from reality, that's why. 


Zhoen said...

When I see those things in shows, I tend to throw things at the screen, which is not helpful.

Such a revelation when I got to college and saw European movies without these weird conventions.

I could make a similar list on the subject of medical conventions, but probably not without damaging my own computer screen.

polish chick said...

ah yes - also dental appointments where the patient is sitting upright with the inexplicable suction hanging out the side of his mouth. RIDICULOUS!

Geneviève Goggin said...

Hilarious list! It kinda made me squirm, until I got to the end and you kindly gave me permission to enjoy the stupid TV shows that exhibit all of the characteristics you describe. Thanks for that...I can blissfully continue to enjoy disconnecting from reality.

Joan said...

You forgot that all wives are young, pretty and thin. Husbands can be fat,ugly,stupid and old. Then they try and make you believe that she would really willingly be with that loser!

polish chick said...

oh yeah, i forgot about that one. i guess i haven't been watching enough "family" sitcoms, but tis the truth.