i seem to be going through a miniature crisis (as opposed to the big ass crisis that y'all have just held my hand through) and this one centres not around my heart but rather my brain. lately i walk into class and sit there, slack-mouthed, finger inserted up to its second knuckle into my nose, drool pooling on my desk. there's mouth-breathery and glazed-eyedness. i am sitting and listening and hearing, but what goes into my brain is a garbled sort of nonsense akin to swahili being read phonetically by a native mandarin speaker with a speech impediment over a short wave radio in a thunderstorm to a deaf person.
i am having a particularly hard time with my project management class (the class for which i was supposed to be studying when i wrote my last... oh... 20? posts). i am also having trouble with what seems to be big assignments being sprung on us last minute. here i cannot claim to be alone - others, too, look on in horror as the realisation dawns that 3 days hence we are expected to produce something that takes months at a fully staffed professional office.
i suppose the biggest sense of frustration (and if anyone from the APPI or CIP accreditation committee is reading this, please walk away now: this is off the record!) is the utter and complete lack of organisation at my school. courses are disorganised, mainly because of last minute staffing changes, and the end result is miscommunication, lack of clearly defined deliverables* and utter confusion.
so although part of the blame lies with the faculty, a large part of it is my distinct and recent inability to focus and care. as i said before, i seem to have run out of fucks to give, but i have done it several months too early and i'm scared (or skeerd, cause in my head i have begun to talk like a backwoods yokel with no teeth, a half empty bottle of moonshine, and an angry red itch that requires constant vigilant attention).
i tend to be pretty good at forcing myself to do grown up things i don't want to do. hell, i pride myself on this ability! what gives, then, that i am stuck in boot-sucking mud up to my knees, crocodiles (or is it alligators? i never remember which is which, just as i never remember whether penguins hang out at the top or the bottom of the globe) all around, and very little energy to get the hell out?
PhD? did somebody mention my desire to do a PhD? i laugh! ha HA! a loud scoffing nasal laugh of the type favoured by aristocracy and slightly insane people.
i used to love school, but it seems that every time i go back, i have less and less in me. i finished dental hygiene school with gritted teeth and a great deal of unresolved anger. i motored through my english honours undergrad swimmingly until hitting the wall at last semester. this time, i was able to put in a year and a month before it all going to shits.
forgive the melodrama. i'll be fine. likely it'll pass. likely i, too, will pass. but right now i feel like my IQ is in the low double digits and the market for monosyllabic ijits seems to be saturated at the moment. good night. maybe a solid night's sleep will ease this troubled mind...
*yes, i have become a person who, at least thrice daily, mentions the word "deliverables," for the most part without gagging. if you stick around, i might start to operationalize and possibly even incentivize, a word that even spellcheck thinks is utter bullshit.