men of a more delicate constitution might want to skip this one.
recently, i went to an organic grocery store, of the type staffed by skinny young people with absolutely zero sense of humour and the cold dead eyes of gluten-free vegans.*
i was looking for a replacement menstrual cup (brilliant invention, btw) and the girl showed me box A and box B, from the same brand.
the difference, she read, is that A is for women under 35 or who have never had children; B is for women over 35 or who have had children.
what if you're over 35 but have never had children? i asked.
she pondered that for a second and then replied, you'd still need B.
does that mean, i asked politely (knowing full well that i was unleashing something this poor organic dairy-free creature could not begin to cope with), that my lady bits are now old, loose and floppy?
she turned all sorts of unnatural hues, looked every which way but mine and mumbled, ummm… mmm… i'm sorry?
never mind, i said, i'll take it.
i took it and walked away, putting her out of her wholewheat misery.
i will never understand people who lack a sense of humour. and i will never understand why i insist on pulling stunts like these. still, it was good for a laugh.
*could the two be connected? i cannot fathom how severe chronic pleasure deprivation could affect one's psyche, but i do know that if you took my cheese and chocolate and bacon and wine away, there'd be hell to pay.