20 November, 2013

not for the faint of heart (i'm looking at you, men!)

men of a more delicate constitution might want to skip this one.


recently, i went to an organic grocery store, of the type staffed by skinny young people with absolutely zero sense of humour and the cold dead eyes of gluten-free vegans.*

i was looking for a replacement menstrual cup (brilliant invention, btw) and the girl showed me box A and box B, from the same brand.

the difference, she read, is that A is for women under 35 or who have never had children; B is for women over 35 or who have had children. 

what if you're over 35 but have never had children? i asked.

she pondered that for a second and then replied, you'd still need B.

does that mean, i asked politely (knowing full well that i was unleashing something this poor organic dairy-free creature could not begin to cope with), that my lady bits are now old, loose and floppy?

she turned all sorts of unnatural hues, looked every which way but mine and mumbled, ummm… mmm… i'm sorry?

never mind, i said, i'll take it. 

i took it and walked away, putting her out of her wholewheat misery.

i will never understand people who lack a sense of humour. and i will never understand why i insist on pulling stunts like these. still, it was good for a laugh.



*could the two be connected? i cannot fathom how severe chronic pleasure deprivation could affect one's psyche, but i do know that if you took my cheese and chocolate and bacon and wine away, there'd be hell to pay.

15 comments:

Crusty Juggler said...

I was wondering when you'd write about this! I love that you did.
Please never stop pulling stunts like this. Nevarrr! People like this girl, with no sense of lightness about life and the ridiculous human body, need such awakenings.

polish chick said...

and i love that you're finally commenting again! it brings a warm glow to my poor shrivelled little ego!

Crusty Juggler said...

Ha! It would match your poor, shrivelled...um...ha! Seriously, if a man is too "faint of heart" to read this post, he is not a man I want to know.

polish chick said...

but it ain't poor and shrivelled - 'tis loose and floppy, innit?

as for the warning, well, better forewarned than… wait, isn't there a saying with that in it? darned if i know. when you were talking about poor and shrivelled, evidently you meant my brain.

Zhoen said...

You're asking *me*? This would be lunch conversation at my job.

I was so disappointed that I couldn't use those. Now (crossing fingers) I might be done with the whole mess.

polish chick said...

they ARE rather fabulous, zhoen. wish someone had told me earlier.

Tom said...

Agnieska; What puzzles me is how a menstrual cup actually works. Alright, it's a cup, and cups collect liquids. But cups can be knocked over, or slopped. So how are such unfortunate and embarrassing episodes avoided?

polish chick said...

apparently i am far more faint of heart than you, tom, because i don't know how to explain it to you other than to say you ought to follow the link provided and look at the pictures. failing that, ask lucy. i'm all a-blush here.

Zhoen said...

Muscles and structure, a kind of rubber drain plug. Some women's internal anatomy does not allow it to work. Mine didn't.

polish chick said...

thanks, zhoen. i was kinda hoping you'd provide a medical explanation but i didn't want to put you on the spot.

and it's not that i'm squeamish, just couldn't have explained it as succinctly as you just did.

Tom said...

Thank you too, Zhoen. What a truly fascinating world we do inhabit.

Lucy said...

Truth to tell I have never come across them other than on-line, and have not so far, to my shame, been curious enough to find out more; I'm not sure they exist in these benighted parts of Europe, but as I say, I've never pursued the matter. Now is obviously the time to cast aside my ignorance, since I was duly asked and the poor fellow was none the wiser. Since he is now making astonished, nay marvelling, noises from his side of the room havign followed your link, I shall do the same forthwith.

I worked in a veggie restaurant once; another carnivore colleague and I were united in our exasperation at vegans: 'Only the criminally insane are vegans,' he stated. It was also observed how they always wore big baggy cardigans (presumably non-woollen) over their scrawny frames with large pockets to accommodate the copious quantities of paper tissues needed to wipe their permanently running snuffling noses. In fact I know that veganism is the only thing that makes any real ideological sense in many ways but nevertheless...

Lucy said...

How wrong I am! I googled 'menstrual cup France' and found there is a 'fabriquée en France' brand called 'Fleurcup', how sweet!

And the history is fascinating too, they've been around since the 1930s. I rather wish I had known before, it's probably a bit late to be worth bothering with now but I may still follow the matter up...

polish chick said...

lucy - i wish someone had introduced me to the cup sooner. it changed my life in a modest but nevertheless significant way. such comfort and peace of mind! brings to mind those stupid commercials from the 80's of girls in white pants riding horses and running carefree through meadows, though the idea of wearing white pants EVER boggles my mind.

i know quite a few vegans, most of them entirely non-sociopathic, but some quite serious about proselytizing, which is really really annoying. over time they've given up - you can't break up the team that bacon and i make! but the ones that inhabit the organic grocery stores are a different breed altogether, just awful and serious and cranky, though that last is entirely understandable.

polish chick said...

also - this is the most comments i've had in a long time. who knew my adventures in menstruation would unleash such a torrent of comments. seems i need to write about my lady bits more often!