i did not go out last night. i will not go out today (mainly on account of the highly attractive green henna mud on my head under the plastic bag under the knitted cap. as well as on account of the snow. oh yes, the snow.). it is noonish time and i have yet to do anything schoolish in nature, despite yesterday having told myself rather sternly (there may have been finger wagging, too!) that i must stop slacking off and bloody well do some work.
i remember now that my last semester in my undergrad english i faced a similar lack of motivation. difference was, there was nobody to suffer from my negligence unlike here where it's all group work and team work and collaboration and shit. which, don't get me wrong, i love. but i don't love the complete and utter lack of care and the feeling that people are counting on me.
yup. i went into my pantry, and lo, the shelves that hold my fucks and shits are almost entirely empty. yes, i have officially run out of fucks to give and barely have two shits to rub together. wait, that's gross. think metaphorical rather than literal. please. for my sake as well as yours.
and so i walk away firmly determined to DO SOME SCHOOL WORK. i'm sure tom will try to keep me honest, but you know? i think i may be beyond help. less than two months to go and the work is about to get deep and sticky (eeew! what's with me today?) and i just want it to be done.
you know what else i want? i want to know what the hell i want. well, that's not all. there are things i know i want, but as with other things, the less said about that the better. (wow, the preceding sentence deserves the pulitzer for the greatest lack of clarity in a blog ever. though i'm certain there are some fairly special runners-up for that category if i were inclined to look. which i'm not. because the school work, right? right!)
so, let's end on a positive note: my feelings! they are calm! have been since europe, with just the odd blah and meh sort of days, but hey, that's life. i seem to be back to the state where my negative feelings feel like a schematic of feelings rather than the real thing. kinda like "hm, 'anger' goes here," or "gee, this is making me feel...'sad'," or "insert 'heartbreak' here" which, believe me, is preferable to the previous two months where, as you well know, i was all a-blubber and so very very unhappy. good feelings i feel. bad ones i phone in. i like it. let's keep it that way. and also, let's go do school stuff....sigh... are we there* yet?
*philosophical aside - how do you know if you're there yet when you have no idea of what "there" is? and then we go back to the previous few days, and the new mantra and all that, and realise that "there" is here. and we're always "there." so there.