17 November, 2013

life, or a reasonable facsimile thereof

considering the importance of this, and its obviousness, it's rather weird that it was only in recent days that i realised that each time i have gone through a depressive episode the depression took me into the back alley, threw me against the wall, roughed me up, kicked me about the ribs for a bit and then, each and every time, simply walked away. it gets bad, really bad (hell, sometimes really really really bad) and then...poof! gone! it's a little disconcerting in retrospect, though at the time all i can think of (having once ascertained that the guy with the baseball bat really isn't coming back) is relief, sweet blessed relief.

odd, eh? i wonder if it's just some sort of amazingly annoying life-affirmation exercise. some posse of my friends (a cabal of dead relatives interested in my emotional wellbeing no matter the cost, perhaps?) get together and decide that the only way to get me to appreciate my life, the blessings therein, the sheer fabulousness of my existence, is via a swift, violent and unexpected intervention. oh sure, there might be some internal hemorrhaging, some scarring, some residual vertigo, but fuck, at the end of the exercise girlfriend's gonna be goddamn GRATEFUL to be alive; happy to be breathing; all zen-buddhist about the transience of things. ha. yeah. and i am. i am. funny thing (ha ha ha! i laugh!) is that i am getting tearful about this little epiphany. not because of its cost (what cost was that? huh? the amount of time you wasted on the interwebs? the time your readers wasted here? what exactly, baby girl?) but because the transience of things, and my inability to embrace it, was what brought me here in the first place... i think.

and so we move on. we embrace the goddamn transience of things. we embrace the ephemerality of existence. we lift our grateful hearts and sing joyfully unto the heavens because, yea, we have been blessed before we die. we have loved, we have been loved, we will continue to do these things, and lo, it will be good. amen.


Tom said...

That final paragraph was truly beautiful. I sense, although I could be wrong, that you use that kind of language to hide deeper feelings, in the same way as I sometimes use flippancy.

Moving to the earlier part of your post, it would be a source of really, really great wonder - at least to me - if some ghostly cabal was interested in your emotional well-being. I and other friends, yes, we are interested, but I doubt that the others are, even if they were capable of interest.

On the other hand.....mmmmm! :)

polish chick said...

oh tom, deep feelings are felt, though the only way i seem to be able to express myself is through this.

and yes, i am not holding out hope for an otherworldly intervention, but it does feel like it sometimes.

thanks for your kind comments, as always.

Zhoen said...

This is the deal. You get a lifetime. Same as everyone. It's a damn good deal.

polish chick said...