one of my easiest and most OCD pleasing methodologies for this is the numbered list. here goes:
1. there are people i like. there are people i dislike. there are people who form my tribe. things shift; time moves; people change. you CAN get voted off the island, but it takes time and effort on your part. generally, if i like you, my default setting is to continue to like you. why would you wanna mess with that?
2. i don't get the concept of enemies. if i like someone, i keep them close. if i dislike them, i walk away. if someone shows an evident dislike for me, i get confused. i'm not saying i'm all that, but i do tend to be liked, or at the very least treated with a grudging sort of respect; people who dislike me really mess me up - because, why? if anything, it must be my mouth, but my mouth tends to be more annoying and eye-rollingly inappropriate than cruel, so again, why? so i really don't have enemies. i have two people in (the peripheries of) my life, who really hurt two people i love. that's as close as i come to having an enemy. the rest? too much work. too much effort. can't be bothered.
3. twice now when running i've hit that sweet spot that makes me fly. it is fabulous - this feeling of being winged and powerful and able to go on forever. i do recommend it, that feeling of being your body through and through, and able, thereby, to accomplish beautiful things. hard to verbalise it. sorry.
4. lately, my thinking has remained in a passive state. i can think about things, i can think about school (thank christ!) but i cannot, for the life of me, think about Things. those remain just out of the reach of my flailing noodly appendages, and i feel like the guy trying to fish for marlin in shark-infested waters. oddly enough, the passive thinking, as long as i keep it passive, works very well. it is the kind of thinking that happens out of the corner of your eye - the flash, the glimmer, the small thought that falls, flopping, all minnow-like in your lap. i'm fine with this. it is the next step. who knows what follows? now that the pain is over, i am more than happy to simply float and let the current carry me along. in its time, it will carry me where it will.
5. being philosophical feels so deliciously... indolent! no emotions to contend with! the ones i "feel" are phoned in again, poorly acted and overwrought like a high-school shakespeare production. why, even my drama now is just mere entertainment that i watch from the sidelines. it's fun. exciting, even. all those things i should be feeling but am not. maybe that sounds disturbing to some of you, but c'est la vie. i am enjoying this reprieve from feeling EVERYTHING about everything. blecch. enough already.
6. i made my favourite home-alone dish yesterday and shared it with two people, and now i shall share it with you (though i'm sure i've shared it before):
- cook some french (du puy) lentils with bay leaves, a couple of smashed cloves of garlic, several cloves and allspice
- in the meantime, thinly slice up some good quality smoked sausage and fry it up in olive oil until it's crispy and brown and deliciously smelling up your kitchen
- in the same meantime (helps to have help), fry up some very thinly sliced shallots until also crisp and golden and all kinds of tempting
- once the lentils are done, dish out, generously spoon up some of the shallots and sausage, pour a glass of red, and enjoy.
7. thanks for sticking around.