this left me reeling, because as far as i can ascertain it's been a very long time since i've seen anything as something other than dark and dismal. the thing with depression is that it creates the polar opposite of a silver lining - it suffuses the entire world with the kind of despondent darkness and sense of foreboding that is routinely used by the makers of horror films to make the serene seem sinister. (happy families in the park harbour horrible secrets; the sunlight on the river is cold and hideous; the future holds nothing but bitterness and ashes.) not wanting to frighten this fledgling feeling, i looked away and kept walking. as i crossed the footbridge and looked at the calgary skyline, i realised that i didn't hate it, that what i felt was a sort of noncommittal neutrality: yup, there's a city. even the fall colours seemed, if not beautiful, then at least non-offensive.
now i know that this is far from over. i know there's more to come as i work through whatever the hell is eating me up (ideas? thoughts? send them my way! awesome prizes and give-aways for the most original notions!). one thing i've found in this go around is that i get breaks, moments of normalcy; hours, sometimes whole clumps of days pass by without my wanting to turn some sort of OFF switch on myself. these function in much the same way that breathers work during waterboarding - moments required for the continuation of life, if only so the torture can go on.
the first time i got three days of normalcy i bounced downstairs to my fabulous roommate's basement
then again, september is over. but surely it can't be as simple as that!