first, i am going to engage in a particularly egregious form of douchebaggery and quote myself. granted, it is not a published work, or a work read by legions, or, really anything other than an undergrad essay, but still...
"i don't believe in epiphanies. this, of course, was a gradual realisation."
my prof loved it. i thought it was spot on, and just too fucking witty, in a quiet understated way. i got an A.
since then, i feel i've had to rework that sentiment a little bit. i still don't believe in the hollywood-style epiphany wherein the beautiful heroine, who up till then had despised the handsome hero, suddenly, suddenly, realises that she is unable to live another minute without him, drops everything, gets on a plane and... well, you know, that bullshit. so yeah, none of that. however, and i am fighting the urge to italicise the "however" because i have already italicised two words in this paragraph and one has to draw the line somewhere, i feel that sometimes one may experience a sudden realisation of something that had been percolating in the nether regions of the brain for a long time and merely decided to make itself known in that particular moment.
which brings me to my epiphany. tom, who's been a regular and thoughtful commenter on this here blog for a while now, asked me if i had one brewing. well, dear poultries, i can only hope that the nether regions of my brain are cooking up some kind of self-knowledge buffet for me, cause this girl is hopelessly lost. however, i think i may just have had a mini-epiphany. it is miniature in its meaningfulness - it affects me not at all, but it gives me hope that it is but a pebble that starts a veritable avalanche of epiphanies, self-discoveries, dawning understandings and other things that will make me stop feeling so goddamn miserable and confused.
so, what is this epiphany? ha. you're gonna be so disappointed. first: i woke up angry. livid. pissed off to the heavens and decided that some yoga followed by an aggressive uphill* walk would be just the thing. once i worked out some of the reasons i was angry and gave myself a stern but loving talking-to (yes, i have a therapist in my head. very handy and très chic. all the new yorkers are doing it.) i started my walk home and then it came. The Epiphany. (oh lord, you are going to be so very disappointed.)
i am no longer a dog person. at all. not even a little bit.
i've known for a longish while that i am moving in the direction of cats (via total petlessness, where i may linger for a while yet), but having grown up in a dog-owning household, i've always figgered myself for a cat-liking dog-person on temporary hiatus. nope. today it hit me like a tonne of bricks (but not real bricks, given that i really don't care that much) - i am not a dog person.
oddly enough, this really perked me up because it came out of the blue and made me realise that yes, there are thought processes happening underneath all the ridiculous crying, and if all they can throw me now is that particular bone, well, whatevs, i'll take what i can get. perhaps tomorrow i shall inform you that i really like chartreuse (no, wait, i know that already...) or something equally mind blowing. hey, i aim to entertain.
strangely enough, the last biggish epiphany i had was when i realised that there was absolutely no reason i needed to continue keeping god in the back of my head and so i let him go. so i suppose that means i am neither a dog-person nor a god-person...tee hee. but that's a story for another day.
*you can tell how fucked up i am by whether or not i seek out hills to walk up. if i'm happy, i stick to level ground. unhappiness and anger makes me climb things. yes, it's weird.