11 September, 2013
going back to school was a big decision. you know this, my little poultries; you've been along for the ride. since then, after an exceedingly harsh beginning, i've settled into what i could annoyingly, but relatively truthfully, call "the time of my life." thanks in equal measures to pharmaceuticals and finally doing something meaningful, i began to experience a strong sense of rootedness. this summer's work experience only enhanced the feeling of being exactly where i ought to be. in a word, i was content.
now suddenly (or not so suddenly: one never pays close enough attention until it's too late, it seems) i find myself untethered, unmoored, cast adrift. i feel i can no longer trust my instincts on matters of importance. a yes becomes a no in the matter of a heartbeat, and i float.
a part of me is terrified; a larger part of me seems to be enjoying the ride. i'm fairly certain that i haven't deliberately sabotaged my peace of mind. instead, i think, i've awoken things that have lied dormant, things that may have required my attention for some time, attention that i was unable to give them for being busy elsewhere, and which are now pulling me in all directions.
if i'm being enigmatic, dear poultries, it is only in part because of my natural reticence (yeah, yeah, you think i tell you everything, but note that i do tend to stick to embarrassing drunken escapades far more than deep heartfelt shit), but mostly because of my own cluelessness as to what, in fact, is going on.
thing is, i am really looking forward to finding out.