i know it's utterly silly, but i feel that in two days, when this infernal month is over, i will feel better. this has absolutely no logical basis, nor even any gut-feeling behind it; it is merely an idea that since september had kicked the legs out from under me, stomped on my equanimity, put an ever-present fist in my solar plexus, wrung seemingly endless tears from my eyes, made me lose that hard-won feeling of being myself again that made my spring and summer such a joy, that maybe its end will mean the end of all that shit. october, as i wrote earlier, is a month of lesser pretense, greater emotional integrity, stripped bare of leaves, flowers and all the accoutrements and frippery of summer, the bare bones of tree branches writing on the sky the truth about the coming of colder weather. let's hope that it brings me some clarity.
school's kicking into overdrive, and suddenly those wednesdays and thursdays without classes that seemed so excessive and unnecessary a couple weeks ago, start looking like less a luxury and more and more like a necessity. i think part of my lack of enthusiasm this semester is that having worked in "the real world" in my profession this summer, i am impatient with all the silliness of a deeply flawed and disorganized program and just want to get on with it, get those letters engraved in the space after my name, and start working for realz, as the kids say these days.
so, i raise my mug of coffee to the immediate future: here's hoping for an october that gives me back to myself. i miss being me.