25 January, 2012

because wine lubricates social intercourse and who doesn't like well lubricated intercourse?

numbers rule (except words rule more):

3. when it's -45C with windchill and you're wearing no hat and your sexy little coat is open and your shoes have stiletto heels, you don't look lovely: you look like a complete moron.

7. when it's -45C with windchill, furry earflap hats are sexy.

1. why? i'm still not sure but the guessing keeps life interesting.

3/4. apparently some people do not realise that fractions denote dividing one number into another. i have it on good authority that some of these people will be administering your chemotherapy drugs in the near future. time to invest in a good solid firearm, non?

25. i am in the middle of changing my life dramatically. once i get shit done, i will tell you all about it. but - it's not divorce (dudes! i LOVE my mister monkey!) and it's not a goddamn baby.

57721.4 i am sitting on my couch, listening to my music and it feels good. as i said to crusty juggler earlier "really, all one needs for true happiness is the right chemical cocktail floating through your blood stream!"

9. who doesn't like baby animals? even though sometimes the cuteness makes you want to kick someone. hard.

18. can i be done now? ok, then. i'm done now.

[free-floating asterisked bit removed by author]

edit. note: the asterisked bit at the end that meant nothing can be attributed to one thing and one thing only: drinking and writing (wait, that's two things! i always said i was bad at math.) i have now erased it to avoid confusion, thank you to crusty juggler whose sharp eye and quick wit have saved the day. phew!

24 January, 2012

another crusty juggler chat (don't worry, c.j., all the embarrassing bits have been deleted!)

moi: i only like to embarrass myself...and stupid people (regarding the whole portugal debacle*)

yay! my show is on!

crusty juggler: which?

moi: the signal, on the radio, my first love!

crusty juggler: ah, i naturally assumed tv.

moi: you would.

crusty juggler: i can't seem to bring myself to listen to the radio without anything visual going on...like the tv on mute or something. it's a sickness.

moi: you are a strange one. you can do shadow puppets!

crusty juggler: i'm very visual. like a dude. dude's need constant visual stimulation according to the studies. why did i put that apostrophe there? nevermind.

moi: YOU!!! bad girl! your so dumb, lol.**

crusty juggler: hey!

moi: that's ok, once when talking to g i said "for mr. monkey and i" and then just about had a coronary.

crusty juggler: but you were likely the only one who noticed.

moi: nope. i made such a stink about it the entire restaurant noticed. had i been japanese i would have fallen on my sword... or fork, as the case may be.

*mr. monkey's facebook status tonight: "where is portugal? does anybody know?" to which those out of the loop responded earnestly, while those in the know (crazy joan, i'm looking at you, dahling!) referred the reader back to my book club for answers.

**i certainly hope that at this point in the proceedings i need not tell you that neither the "your" nor the "lol" were seriously meant, right? good, i thought not.

23 January, 2012

an emoticon for a banana ) (or (, depending on which way it is facing)

i don't see why i ought feel bad about being an intellectual snob - you don't see the vociferous ignoramuses of the world expressing any kind of shame, do you?

21 January, 2012

i'm sorry, what did you just say?

on facebook, on our private book club group chat, but a few short hours ago:

ms. implants: hmmmm. the book is not available at chapters ....

moi: but it is at the library.

ms. ten thousand dollar chest:  i don't do library.

and then my head exploded again because this woman is a teacher. of children. she doesn't "do" library but is willing to spend 5K per breast (what? me? judge? mais oui! everyone needs a hobby!)? thank christ my ovaries are shrivelled up and dusty because... well, because... sorry, interwebs, i'm stumped. to have to explain to a grown woman that portugal is not exactly in south america is bad enough; to have to find out that a teacher doesn't "do" library is grounds for immediate removal of self from society of said teacher. book club, i think this is good bye.

15 January, 2012

oh book club, book club, book club, what shall we do with you?

at book club this saturday:

moi: blah blah blah something totally irrelevant blah blah blah, blather blather blather so we're going to be spending almost 3 weeks in portugal this summer blah blah blah
book club hostess: where is portugal? is that in south america?
moi: ... um... no, it is in europe.
book club attendee: yeah, where is it? i totally missed social 20.
moi: ... it's next to spain. it's in the south. warmish bit of europe.

and then my head exploded, because, motherfucking fuckety fuck, we're not talking about social 20 here: we're talking about GODDAMN GEOGRAPHY!!! sweet jesus on a pogo stick, it took all of my self-control (the reserves that were not being used on not drinking, seeing as i was driving and we were in the midst of a 10 metre snow dump that night) not to look around and ask them if they were fucking retarded or what. i didn't. but only just.

honestly, i think i need another book club.

p.s. the rest of the night was spent talking about one attendee's brand new breast implants. like i said, i need another book club.