i am sitting here sweating sweaty ass sweat into my couch sheep following an intense hour of zumba. as i hopped, jumped, skipped and shimmied up and down the dance studio, i realised again just how much i fucking hate exercise. yes, dear poultries, i hate exercise. intense physical exertion makes me very very angry and being forced to look at myself in floor-to-ceiling mirrors is detrimental to my closely guarded life of self-delusion: is that really my waist? really? that's what i look like when i think i'm being sexy? sweet lord, it hurts. it hurts here and it hurts there and, i'm ashamed to admit, it also very much hurts over here. and the thing that hurts the most is my pride - there are several very large women in my class and they keep on coming back week after week while i spectacularly fail to do so. i show up here and there and spend the rest of the time hating myself and watching "castle." *
i recently started going to yoga with a bunch of kick-ass elderly polish women, who also make me feel like a pathetic loser as per my inability to hold the downward dog without my arms turning to jello and my ass wobbling all over the place, not to mention the instructor drawing attention (gently, lovingly, but still...) to my crooked painful crotchety hip. and while i search for the inner peace that yoga is supposed to bring, i must admit to myself that i fucking hate yoga.
so, what to do?
i am currently following my annual christmas orange diet (not so much a diet as a seasonal obsession - i'm on my fourth box in a month and i tend to eat up to 10 per day - is this normal? wait, don't answer that) but god knows the days of seasonal gorging are coming and i really really would rather not enter my fortieth year the way i entered the preceding bunch (with the notable exception of those 5 or so years in which i dramatically cut back my carbs, lost weight, kept it off and singlehandedly stopped all of my gastrointestinal issues**). i want to get in shape. i need to get in shape. and how does one do that when one fucking hates exercise?
ideas? pointers? speed? i'm willing to try anything (short of a regular exercise regimen coupled with responsible eating and reduced wine consumption, of course; that'd be crazy!!!)
* who is so delicious i'm sure the calories are simply piling up!
** i know, i know, you're wondering if this worked so spectacularly for me in the past why not repeat the experiment. and well may you wonder. i often wonder that very thing myself...