16 December, 2011

the girl, she is a genyooos!

in preparation for tomorrow's pierogi making marathon, i spent the day making pierogi filling. this involved boiling things, cooling things, chopping things, sauteeing things, squeezing excess liquid out of cooled things and a vast amount of processing the hell out of things so that they became smaller, more manageable things. this last bit was hard. it was hard, frustrating, annoying and very very angryfying*. the mushrooms were not yielding as well as i wanted them to, the filling was looking far more fibrous and chunky that it needed to be and i started to give the evil eye to my cuisinart. you bastard (i thought bitterly to myself). you cost me a whole bunch of money airmiles** and now you're acting like the spoiled little french bitch that you are.

it was when i put a batch of sauerkraut into the cuisinart and it failed to do a thing other than faff about ineffectually that i realised that perhaps something mechanically serious was amiss. perhaps its motor was getting on in years (it's not that old, but then again neither am i and i can quite often be found faffing about ineffectually). perhaps its blade needed sharpening. oh yes, its blade. i dumped the contents, took out the blade and realised that the reason i've been making a bloody mess of all the things i have been using my cuisinart for for the past several months is because (wait for it) i've been using the dough blade. not the sharp cutting blade that cuts things with its sharpness but the dull dough blade that, to put it bluntly, does not. i have been handing my kitchen surgeon a plastic fork and asking her to do an open heart surgery. so dumb. so very very dumb.

correct blade in place, everything was reduced to the correct consistency in mere seconds (oh, the wasted minutes! oh, the chunks of beet in the lesbian dip! oh, the frustration! oh, the fucking stupidity!)

when mr. monkey came into the kitchen i promptly told him about my idiocy. oh, i knew that, quoth he, i was wondering why you were using the dough blade, but i figured you knew what you were doing.

christ. i always tell him when he does something stupid, i cannot, for the life of me, understand why he doesn't return the favour.

*why the hell isn't that a word? huh? it should be! let's petition the government! let's paint large banners! let's... let's get back to the story at hand, shall we?

** the only thing those things are good for, as far as i'm concerned. the one time i used airmiles to fly us to vegas was such a bloody hassle, it would have been better to just pay with cash. but i digress. again.

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