and so another yuletide season is upon us and that means only one thing. well, two things. well, okay, a whole bunch of things like sparkly balls in trees (or reasonable plastic facsimiles thereof (the trees, not the balls)), drinking hot spiced alcoholic beverages, getting warm hugs from drunk co-workers ("i love you, man!") and baking cookies! christmas is the only time of the year when i bake cookies but i bake them with a vengeance*.
imagine my disappointment, then, when i gather my ingredients, mix, whip, froth, swish, shake and gently fold things into other things, only to discover that the recipe generates a teeny tiny little cake or a mere half dozen cookies (i'm looking at you, smitten kitchen! i realise you cook your wondrous comestibles in a teeny tiny little new york kitchen, but give me a bloody break! i'm browning multiple cups of butter, vast bubbling vats of golden buttery goodness expecting mounds of cookies. mounds!!! you hear me? and what do i get (time and time again)? six fucking cookies. what am i supposed to do with six cookies? six cookies is an appetizer before one gets into the serious business of eating cookies. six cookies is nothing to a woman like me: NOTHING! mere crumbs in my dentition! a not particularly amusing amuse bouche. especially if they are delicious. and with that amount of brown butter, how can they not be? but you're messing with me, aren't ya? because just last week i made delicious mac'n cheese from one of your 2 recipes, and the other one, the one i didn't use, was for 12 people. really? you feed mac'n cheese to 12 people and then what? you give them six fucking cookies. that just doesn't make any sense.)
and lest all you daily bakers look scornfully down at me and wonder why i cannot tell how many cookies this amount of ingredients will generate, i'll tell you why: because i bake once a year and also, i have no imagination when it comes to measurements. of any kind. if mr. monkey doesn't explain it to me in football fields and tea-cups, then i don't get it. is it a little? is it a lot? i don't fucking know. but i do know that it is pure hitlerian evil to publish recipes for 6 cookies. especially around christmas.
as an aside: salted butter is a motherfucking bitch to brown, don't do it! i used only the tiny amount i needed to make up the difference (i used up all my sweet butter reserves! for 6 goddamn cookies!!!) and it still messed me up. but i set out to brown it and brown it i did. and why the hell is salted butter cheaper than unsalted? same with pistachios. why do i have to pay a dollar extra to have the salt removed? do they hire small expensive children from elite private schools to lick off the salt? these are the things that keep me up at night.
*great tagline for a movie, eh? "vengeance is back in town, and this time, she's packing a silpat®!"