10 April, 2011


it's been a week! what the hell happened? who ate my time? where have the minutes gotten to? huh? what?

ok, here's a story you've been dying to hear, except it's not so much a story as a dialogue* with some explanatory back story without which you wouldn't get the joke and, worse still, you'd think i was some kind of a sicko with strange perversions and questionable ethics as well as pathetic moral judgment, all of which might incidentally be true, but that's neither here nor there.

ok, here goes:

mr. monkey and i have never bought a barbecue. each barbecue we have ever owned (we have owned several) had been given to us by someone or found in a dark alley or liberated from a suburban backyard (kidding, kidding!). our last barbecue was an industrial sized stainless steel beast large enough to roast a mid sized pig or enough hamburgers for a junior high baseball team (no idea how many that is, but it does the job of conjuring up violently disturbing images of ravenous hordes of pimply teenage boys and that is precisely what i'm aiming for here). this barbecue had had a place of honour at mr. monkey's fort mcmurray job site and had fed multitudes for two years but when the project came to an end, the company, like most huge multi-million dollar corporations, went about disposing of this, and many other fully useful items (ladders, drills, safety glasses, janitorial staff). mr. monkey, unable to watch useful items becoming landfill fodder, brought home the barbecue and for several years it served us well. sadly, when we left vancouver island, we left the beast behind to await our return one glorious day: we simply didn't know if we'd have the room for it. it turns out to have been a good decision because when we arrived at the apartment we are now renting from our slumlords my parents, lo and behold, there was a barbecue abandoned by the previous tenants.

mr. monkey: once the ice melts, i'll wheel this down to the dumpster.

moi: why? maybe it works! we should see if it works first, so we can use it!

mr. monkey: ew, no!

moi: why not?

mr. monkey: because it's used, it is not virginal, that's why not.

moi: oh, and what about our last barbecue? was that one virginal? no! that one had been gang-banged by rig pigs for over 2 years!

mr. monkey: true that.

so we decided that we'll lube'er up, hook'er up to some fuel and see if it'll do for some tasty summertime tubesteak!

* or "dialog" as the kids seem to be spelling it these days - first blondes became blonds, then dialogues became dialogs, what is the world coming to? and don't tell me that language evolves naturally, because this ain't no evolution, it's a travesty of massive proportions!!! (!!!!!!!!!)


Zhoen said...

Certainly missive proportions.

crusty juggler said...

Uh, even with the preamble the dialogUe sounds perverse. And the word "tubesteak" makes me cringe a little, but I do wish you the best of luck firing up your old slut of a barbecue. When it's ready I'll be standing beside it impatiently waiting for a big rare steak from a grass-fed, hormone-free bull named Angus.

the polish chick said...

that's precisely why i used the word "tubesteak" because is entirely cringeworthy. when i first saw that on hot dog stands in toronto i was very very disturbed.

does one eat bulls? i'm not entirely certain, but you're always welcome to come and eat a bull at our place.

crusty juggler said...

Beef comes from both cows and bulls. That's nice of them. Yay learning!

Alison Cross said...

I don't know what tubesteak is. And I'm too terrified by the images of pimply youths gang-raping a barbeque to ask!

We have a bbq that is powered by charcoal briquette things. Nothing shouts 'summer' quite like a beefburger that smells of lighter fuel.

American spellings drive me nuts. What drives me REALLY nuts is that books, published by the BBC, in the UK, have American spelling!!!!! That drives me to the frothy mouthed profanity stage.....

Hope the bbq works beautifully!

Ali x

Lucy said...

Still bothered about the idea of tubesteak. Time for a Chrome instant Google search. How do you spell programme?

Lucy said...

Eurrgh! I found this:


the polish chick said...

lucy, i obviously meant the hot dog! really! honest!

Geneviève said...

Ick. That about sums it up.
And the image of the rig pigs...double-ick.