hi. it's been far too long. what has been getting in the way is my ego. oh yes, my little pathetic ego. more and more, as i get older, i think of myself thusly: here is a girl (woman? i don't think of myself as a woman because that seems ridiculously old, but girl, i am told is possibly seen as somehow pejorative or whatnot even though i think of myself as a girl and in the best possible way, what? am i not 20 anymore? when did that happen? bastards!) who could have been so many things and who isn't necessarily sad about losing out on the being of (say) the editor of the new york times or some such shit (because, really, how much happier would i have been as the editor of the new york times? maybe a million times more, or maybe not at all, or maybe much much sadder what with the new work dating scene and all) but who is a little pissed off about the whole urban planning thing not really being on the radar during her impressionable schooling years which resulted in her going into something so ridiculously pragmatic and uninspired like the whole teeth cleaning bullshit and the problem isn't so much the cleaning of teeth (because, admit it, it is fucking NICE to have clean teeth, come on! ADMIT IT!) but the problem is finding something you are good at and interested in and i think that i am really really interested in is urban planning and i can read about bylaws and zonings and all manner of boring dull things pertaining to this and actually remain alert and i am almost forty and it's better to discover something you like late rather than never but hot damn, it sure would have been nice to have spent the last 15 years banging my head against municipal bylaws rather than teeth for rather obvious reasons.
and that's what i think when i'm drunk.
also, what i think, when i have been consuming wine in the presence of my family, is that it is goddamn nice to be sitting around up the stairs from a sleeping cool baby (who could be anything one day, even a kick-ass urban planner or the editor of the new york times!) and talk about the two world wars and the appeasement policy prior to WW2 and the whole african question with people i really really love and that it more than makes up for the supremely shitty weather of this place we are now (again) calling home. it also helps that my cousin is now making absolutely incredible bread and is offering lots to us merely because we share some genes. yay!
am i making sense? am i going to delete this tomorrow? who knows!?