10 February, 2011

yelling at a charity again (i also kick puppy dogs and trip old people)

dear red cross,

come on, now, we've been through this before so i really don't see why we have to go through this again. you're a worthy charity, your running costs don't outweigh your charitable expenditures, you are well respected in the world and your marketing must be doing something right because that logo recognition thing? damn good! so why do i have to be right back where i started, threatening to cut you off, huh? shall i tell you again what it is that bugs me? you really ought to know by now, seeing as i've cut you off before, but you seem to be suffering from some kind of selective memory loss. either that or you've been watching too many mad men episodes, slurping back old-fashioneds like they're going out of style, convincing yourself that it's the 1950's all over again. after all, how else can i explain your dogged insistence on addressing your mail to mr. and mrs. albert monkey, when you know damn well my name is not, and has never been, albert.

let's recap: yes, i am married to mr. albert monkey, but everyone knows my name is matilda monkey and, last i checked, the 50's were over, and i was allowed to get my own name on an envelope, especially in light of the fact that it is i, matilda monkey, who makes the charitable donation decisions in this household. yes, red cross, i know it's very very hard to wrap your whiskey-sodden little brain around that strange new-fangled concept, but it is fact. mr. monkey has relinquished his god given manly rights to that particular decision-making process and it is i who decide. and, like the time before, when you ignored my initially polite, and then increasingly irate letters asking you to remedy the situation, i think i shall have to cut you off again. that's right, mrs. monkey over here, has had enough of your misogyny and is saying: no more.

but don't worry, red cross, i won't spend the money i'd have given to you on hookers and blow, tempted though i may be. no, red cross, you can rest easy in the knowledge that your loss, is médecins sans frontières' gain. last i checked, they were totally cool with my existence as a human being in her own right. don't call me, please, and for god's sake, don't write: it's over.


puncturedbicycle said...


Country Gent said...

Perhaps you want to send those charity monies to me so I can spend it on hookers and blow. I'll call you Matilda, Honey, Your Royal Highness, whatever it takes.

Just make the checks out to my charity, C.A.S.H. You know my address. Thanks.

the polish chick said...

you don't strike me as the hookers and blow type, sorry. you're a minimalist - it'd be more like one hooker and a glass of cold beer.

Zhoen said...

Etiquette has changed in the last 60 years. I probably wouldn't respond to Mrs. Z, if called it even. None the less Mrs. D, Z. Gah. What is wrong with them?

Geneviève said...

Gad! You gotta be joking me. I get called Mrs. MacKinnon on regular basis and even that irritates me. Both the Mrs. and the MacKinnon.

the polish chick said...

well, that's because it's not your last name, g. my last name *is* monkey, and so i am okay with being called mrs. monkey (although it feels...odd) on the very rare occasions that people are too frightened of my first name.

but the whole 50's thing of mr. and mrs. john smith annoys me to no end. you can take on your husband's last name (and yes, i chose to do that) but for god's sake, aren't you allowed to keep your first name? bastards!

zhoen, i don't know what is wrong with them, but they've run out of chances. i think that MSF is a worthy organization and so now i will simply double up my contributions to them.

Alison Cross said...

Oh yes, it's tricky getting the names right. I once had to organise a royal opening of a building (relax, not that exciting) and delegated the typing of the invitations to my colleague.

I was APPALLED to read on an intercepted piece of correspondence that the Chief Constable for the Region was addressed as MRS LESLIE PERSONAGE.

The Chief Constable should be referred to as the Chief Constable. Plus Leslie was, and continues to be A MAN!!!!

Ali x

the polish chick said...

i think i'd like a MRS LESLIE PERSONAGE t-shirt!

grr, so many great t-shirt ideas and i don't wear t-shirts!

Mother Theresa said...

One of the things I like about living in Spain is that women keep their last names when they marry. My friends were aghast when they discovered that I was keeping mine. They just couldn't wrap their minds around that fact, but it makes sense really. Changing it just makes it seem like you "belong" to your husband. Anyway, here letters are addressed to the name and surname of the individual, they always know who you are...well, usually. So, just move here. ;)

the polish chick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the polish chick said...

mama t, i had the option of keeping my last name, there was absolutely no cultural pressure to change it, but, for various complex personal reasons, i decided to. i have no problem with it - i see us as a unit. still, it was my choice, but to have my first name taken away from me just pisses me off.