a mentioned my food guilt and sent me a link to this post and although my first thought is that i am nothing like that girl (for one, she is living in paris where good restaurants abound, whereas i am in nanaimo, where they most definitely do not*) i soon realised that i am indeed quite a bit like her. the thing is, as a says, it's different for women, and he cannot understand.
i agree. for one, men are not bombarded with pictures of gorgeous skinny things every hour of every day. watch any sitcom and within its ridiculous canned-laughter premise you will likely find an ordinary, often chubby, shmoe, married to some gorgeous thin thing who loves him very much. hell, look at most rock star marriages. look at donald trump! for men it is expected that they be financially secure, for women, that they remain young and thin. the end. and no matter how enlightened i may like to think i am, i am always going to be caught up in that.
i know i've blogged about this before, but the thing that will always get me, the thing i have a hard time forgiving, is that in my glorious youth, in those days when i could (and sometimes did) polish off 14 pieces of buttered toast and jam with impunity, in the days when i looked like something out of a magazine, my fine-boned girlfriends' mothers called me a "big girl" "large boned" and other euphemisms for you know, being a large slavic woman. my mother and my aunt often commented on my belly, because hey, i wasn't ever flat as a board, because they, at my age, never ever had a belly (yeah, they most likely didn't, as they always tended to run to hips and ass).
so forgive me if there is a part of me that is having a hard time doing the whole "embrace yourself as you really are" thing, because EVERY GODDAMN STEP OF THE WAY someone is trying to trip that up. up to and including other women. up to and including my own family. up to and including every ugly stupid man i have ever known who thought he too deserved to date a supermodel.
at this point, i like to think that my weight loss scheme (which, by the way is working fine, thankyouverymuch) is related more to my health, and the fact that i am not about to turn around and get a whole new wardrobe, seeing as i like the one i already have. if i choose not to eat dessert other than homemade dessert, i like to think that is a good thing. how many times have you found yourself with a forkful of grocery store cake in your mouth wandering what the caloric point was of something that was that tasteless and vile? i have not given up on food, i have decided to eat good food, and i think there is a difference.
i have previously referred to michael pollan, and what he said that made me think was this: in previous ages, people indulged in "bad" food for special occasions. so if guests were coming, you would take the time to cut up potatoes, heat up a vat of oil, and make french fries. ditto with fried chicken. or cake. the problem arose when it was no longer a special occasion thing. you could pop out and get yourself a bucket o'chicken every single day. and so he says, eat the occasional treat but if you make it yourself, one, you will know what is in it, but two, it will remain a special treat. and so i decided to bake my own desserts, and lest you accuse me of dramatic asceticism in the name of excessive food guilt, let it be known that every weekend in the past month, we have had a homemade baked item and, lo, it was good.
*cross another thai place off the hopeful list - we had take-out last night from amazing thai, which, sadly, was a bit of a misnomer. that makes it two for two thai places that i would not eat at again. oh edmonton, sometimes i do miss you! two of the best thai places i had ever eaten at are there!