30 November, 2010

beauty

one rainy night a couple of weeks ago i was driving on the highway on my way to pick up mr. monkey when i was arrested by the sudden bloom of red lights reflected on the wet pavement. i felt hypnotised by this entirely unexpected beauty: lowly, utilitarian, quotidian and utterly irresistible. since then, each time i pull up to an intersection, i fall under the spell of the ruby blooms all over again.

this sudden emergence of beauty makes me nervous. last time it happened, i feared i was about to die and the universe was handing me a going-away gift, a little something to ease the passing: we were living in the northern wastelands at the time and drove the 430km south to civilisation twice a month. we had lived there for a good long while already when i suddenly became aware of the beauty of the drive. it was the wrong season: nothing was blooming, nothing was singing forth its spring verdure or summer bounty. it was simply one more day on the highway and out of nowhere, i was charmed. here was this road i had driven back and forth on, filled to the brim with resentment, depression and hopelessness, when lo, it became beautiful. it had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with some inner joy, since i was shriveled up and dry; it came from outside of me, shocked me into awareness and remained quietly in the corner of my mind.

since i didn't die that time, i am assuming i am not about to die now (not that the universe is a well ordered place, but i do like to surround myself with the comfort of patterns, so please bear with me), although i must force myself to pay a little more attention to my driving - the hypnotic bloom of red reflections can be quite distracting.



[by the way, i have deleted the culling post and its corollary because in no way, shape, or form did it get across what i wanted to say. it just made me sound like an asshole and while that may be true from time to time, i am not a full time asshole and do not want to be seen as one. thanks for your patience.]

[for those of you who have missed the posts i am referring to, and are now consumed with curiosity, just imagine me sounding like an asshole, and there you have it. you didn't miss much.]

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now, I know that the mountains in Vancouver are beautiful, especially when they're covered in snow. But this weekend, I had a two-second moment when I thought "we Vancouverites are lucky". That's the first time I've had the beginnings of a feeling of "home". I'm not there yet, but there's a glimmer of hope.
g

Country Gent said...

It's all about awareness.

Zhoen said...

It's not about having it inside, but being always open to what is all around us.

Anne said...

I'm behind on my Reader and only got to the fuck-up post this morning. Is it too late to sound off?

For what it's worth, you have survived my cull. Rock on, Dear Neighbo(u)r to the North. Walk in beauty.

the polish chick said...

the thing is, zhoen, at that particular point in my life, i was completely and utterly closed to the beauty around me because i despised where i lived, that's why it was so surprising.

here, i am surrounded by so much beauty, i guess i was shocked that some of it came from so unromantic a source.

anne, it's never too late to comment, and thanks for not bludgeoning me with your culling stick.

Zhoen said...

You must've been open a tiny, little crack, or it wouldn't have gotten in.

the polish chick said...

as the eternally wise leonard cohen said: "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

i must have been in need of something beautiful, but i didn't feel that crack at all. that was the wondrous surprise of it all.

Anonymous said...

Have I been culled? Is this how purgatory feels like? What does this all mean? Double Rainbow! Wow!

the polish chick said...

i don't know, anon, have you been culled? i cannot tell!

Country Gent said...

Like the new look. Was too much pink for me before. Now, clean and simple. I like it.

the polish chick said...

yup, me too. i found the poppies a little much but didn't go through all my options. this is much more soothing and god knows i need soothing.

Country Gent said...

Are you aware you can put any image you wish as a background? I've added the wood grain long ago.

the polish chick said...

yeah. i just started fooling around with it, found the poppies and left them, then yesterday looked for something calmer. i'm certain i could put on a pic of my own, but i haven't looked at how to do that yet. skype this weekend?

Country Gent said...

Sounds good. I should be home all day Sunday.

jools said...

ah, inspiration. good post!