03 October, 2010

it also comes with cheese

oh, how hard it is to strike a balance between embracing who i am and actively trying to become a better person. as always, i wonder whether it is even conceivable to become that mythical better person. sometimes, like when i'm in the throes of PMS, or going through a mother-in-law visit, i see nothing so much as a beast in vaguely human form peering back at me from the fruit-fly infested mirror (no, i do not know why they tend to congregate on my bathroom mirror, last i checked we weren't cleaning it with apricot jam).

i do not like who i am: i am petty, selfish, hard, prickly, inflexible and obnoxious, fighting to the death about the cultural background of particular kind of pierogi. no, dear poultries, i am NOT proud of myself right about now.

so how do you reconcile the you that you are, and the you that you want to be? i don't want to be a buddhist nun, but a reasonable human being would be nice. any hints? pointers? words of wisdom? and please don't tell me to have a drink; i've been doing enough of that and it doesn't seem to be working.


Anonymous said...

I struggle with the very same problem: reconciling the Me that I am with the Me that I would like to be. Every once in a while I meet someone and get momentarily inspired to be just like them. Then, usually within minutes, I get put back in my place.

That said, I've had two or three epiphanies in recent years that have lead to fairly radical changes. I told you about the one where I realized that being bossy made people depend on me to organize everything (hence making me resentful) and also made people irritated with me for always organizing everything. I'm MUCH better on that front now and it has improved several of my relationships.

I've had another realization about taking jabs at people, which are usually thinly veiled as compliments or "statements of fact". This I get from my mother.

I've had another realization recently about nagging. It doesn't work very well and just makes my blood boil.

The main thing is to want to improve and to keep our eyes open for lessons that can come when we least expect the them.

Good luck. And for what it's worth, I like you. A lot.

jools said...

i don`t want to be anyone else. i don`t want you to be anyone else, either! we are not perfect but we are exactly as we should be... for the moment. we are works in progress. would you throw out the sauerkraut before its time? of course not!

the polish chick said...

thank you. i am touched. truly.

what i've found is that whatever lesson i learn, i must relearn time and again. perhaps i'm slow. or dumb.

Zhoen said...

Become your genuine self, whole, and the virtues will shine out. Any trait is good or bad only depending on whether it comes out straight or twisted. Let it out with a full heart, open mind, compassionate spirit, and even a violent tendency becomes protective, argumentativeness becomes passion, greed empties out as generosity.

the polish chick said...

oh god, i hope you're right. lately i feel as though everything is coming out twisted.