22 September, 2010

them's the brakes..breaks...whatever!

one of the commenters on my previous post (and i know who you are, dude) suggested i get an iphone to replace the motorola i so cruelly subjected to a prolonged and rather terminal* session of laundramatic water-boarding. ha! that's right, you heard me: i said HA! because, really, with my track record, i am pretty certain i would not be allowed to own an iphone. it is simply far too cool and far too complicated for my big fat fingers and short stubby brain.

instead, mr. monkey went sleuthing online and found me the sheer polar opposite of an iphone (or as close as you can get to a sheer polar opposite of an iphone without resorting to the kind of mobile communications device carried on the backs of soldiers circa the vietnam war.) no, it is not as bad as this, but it's pretty darn close. it was developed for the poor and the illiterate, it is virtually indestructible and it can do one thing: phoning people. its text messaging capabilities are there, but given its large-letter small-screen format (i.e. 6 characters visible at a time) they are as laughable as my texting skills, so that's ok.

oh, it also has an alarm clock feature, something i demand of my phone (seriously: i demand it! in an imperious voice! flinging my arms about!), and mr. monkey surprised me by setting it bright and early, nearly landing me in ER, for it sounds like an alien abduction and scared the living shit out of me, which, i suppose, is the whole point of an alarm clock. not that i need that. unlike mr. monkey, i generally require only the gentle tinkling of a pretty crystal bell to nudge me out of sleep, and this ain't it. no, when the noise hit, i woke up on all fours, on the floor, sobbing as i searched for the button to turn it off. mr. monkey thought it was humorous. anyone know a good divorce lawyer?

anyhoo, the phone is simple, small, and boasts no shitty camera. it also does not allow me to edit my phone book, so if i mess up (say, theoretically, by inputting every single one of my long distance phone numbers without adding the 1), i get to flex those texting muscles and do it all over again.

lest you feel compelled to make fun of me and my third world phone, let me tell you the kicker - the beast has not failed to pick up a single phone call, unlike the previous bastard, which dropped something in the neighbourhood of 73.5% of my calls,** a weakness i tended to blame on poor reception rather than poor technology.

to sum up - fuck you iphone! i gots me a motorola f3. it's a PHONE! for phoning people with! and an alien anal probe alarm clock to wake you up good and scared! wooooo!


*while i am fairly certain the rice method works fine for phones subjected to a light sprinkling of the morning dew, phones submerged for a full 25 minutes including two spin cycles do not respond well to ricesussitation.

**as ought to be evident by now, no scientists or statisticians were consulted during the writing of this post; i totally pulled that number out of my ass.

9 comments:

Joan said...

See! Kara borrowed my old phone for a year (as she broke her dainty little thing) and it managed to last through her abuse! She called it the brick with an antenna and made fun of it but it served her well. I have a new phone now (smaller) but it loses calls and rings too softly for me to hear when it is in my purse. I liked the OLD technology!

Anonymous said...

Nah, you are the fool for saying fuck iPhone coz iPhone is really, really simple and just lovely and your new phone looks really, really shit. Luddite!

Alison Cross said...

Oh Anonymous - you have NO idea what a shit phone is. Mine is so old that when I went into Phones R Us or whatever it's called, the 'boy' had to summon his boss to find out whether they sold a cable that linked it to the USB port on my computer.

Boss said archly: 'Don't think they had USB ports when this phone was brought out.'

Ali x

the polish chick said...

whatevs, anonymous, my phone cost me 30$ and is *already* obsolete, so i won't be crying crocodile tears when the new new iphone comes out. and yes, iphones are lovely, i am a mac convert myself, but i want a phone that phones and that's it. i have enough people in my life who ignore what is going on around them because they're too busy checking their iphones for what *else* is going on elsewhere. not interested. luddite? fool? sure, why not!?

ali - that's brilliant. does yours come with a bakcpack?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the new phone. I love my iPhone but totally get the low-tech option. I just don't thinkI can live without GPS anymore. g

the polish chick said...

GPS? what is this GPS of which you speak? i use my trusty old astrolabe: it hasn't failed me yet.

also, first anonymous, are you perchance mr. t? you have that mr. t vibe about your comment ("i pity the FOOL!")

the polish chick said...

ali - you can link up your phone to your computer? wow! i did not know that...then again i thought twitter was entirely phone-centric. all this stuff, this newfangled stuff. i think i shall take my luddite ass out to my goat farm and weave me some hemp underwear. that always calms me down.

Lucy said...

Astrolabe, you've got an astrolabe? Bloody hell but I'm jealous - lodestone on a bit of hempen thread, that's what I manage with.

Did the steeping of the cell phone impart anything of benefit to the flavour of the arborio rice, rather as it were a vanilla pod in a jar of sugar or a truffle in a basket of eggs?

the polish chick said...

where can i get a lodestone? i wants me one of those. as for the arborio rice, we figured that whatever flavouring agents that departed the phone, would not have been palatable to the average human. we dig not the silicone. then again, i went away for a week as the rice was steeping, so perhaps mr. monkey had that dubious culinary honour. i'll have to ask.