instead, mr. monkey went sleuthing online and found me the sheer polar opposite of an iphone (or as close as you can get to a sheer polar opposite of an iphone without resorting to the kind of mobile communications device carried on the backs of soldiers circa the vietnam war.) no, it is not as bad as this, but it's pretty darn close. it was developed for the poor and the illiterate, it is virtually indestructible and it can do one thing: phoning people. its text messaging capabilities are there, but given its large-letter small-screen format (i.e. 6 characters visible at a time) they are as laughable as my texting skills, so that's ok.
oh, it also has an alarm clock feature, something i demand of my phone (seriously: i demand it! in an imperious voice! flinging my arms about!), and mr. monkey surprised me by setting it bright and early, nearly landing me in ER, for it sounds like an alien abduction and scared the living shit out of me, which, i suppose, is the whole point of an alarm clock. not that i need that. unlike mr. monkey, i generally require only the gentle tinkling of a pretty crystal bell to nudge me out of sleep, and this ain't it. no, when the noise hit, i woke up on all fours, on the floor, sobbing as i searched for the button to turn it off. mr. monkey thought it was humorous. anyone know a good divorce lawyer?
anyhoo, the phone is simple, small, and boasts no shitty camera. it also does not allow me to edit my phone book, so if i mess up (say, theoretically, by inputting every single one of my long distance phone numbers without adding the 1), i get to flex those texting muscles and do it all over again.
lest you feel compelled to make fun of me and my third world phone, let me tell you the kicker - the beast has not failed to pick up a single phone call, unlike the previous bastard, which dropped something in the neighbourhood of 73.5% of my calls,** a weakness i tended to blame on poor reception rather than poor technology.
to sum up - fuck you iphone! i gots me a motorola f3. it's a PHONE! for phoning people with! and an alien anal probe alarm clock to wake you up good and scared! wooooo!
*while i am fairly certain the rice method works fine for phones subjected to a light sprinkling of the morning dew, phones submerged for a full 25 minutes including two spin cycles do not respond well to ricesussitation.
**as ought to be evident by now, no scientists or statisticians were consulted during the writing of this post; i totally pulled that number out of my ass.