28 July, 2010

all about my bum

following my analcentric post of some time ago, i received a very worried sounding facebook message from my friend j, with the killer title "your bum." she wanted my phone number in order to talk to me. presumably about my bum.

today she called to arrange her arrival chez les monkeys tomorrow. near the end of the conversation j made it perfectly clear that we would be talking about my bum. the girl is clearly worried. about my bum. she even (jokingly?) asked if she could see it. i told her i didn't think our friendship could survive that. i hope that's that.

so in case anyone else out there is staying awake nights worrying about the state of my bum, let me tell you that as of yet, i know nothing. the reason that i know nothing is that i have been far too busy to thrice poop on a pie plate, dab in the fecal matter and paint fetching swatches on a cardboard card specifically designed for such matters before taking it down to a local lab wherein the staff will joyfully test it for blood which could, conceivably, be a sign of colorectal cancer and imminent death.

am i procrastinating? yes. don't i fear being one of those people who are told, "if only you'd been diagnosed a week earlier your chances of survival would be double"? fuck yes. so why am i not poop painting pronto? because, I SAID, i'm busy. ok? we're in and out of the house, traipsing all over the picturesque countryside, either visiting or hosting*, driving or sailing or kayaking, looking at totems and orcas and foreign musicians who play the zither, none of which is conducive to creative collecting of fecal matter samples. and it's probably just the old hemorrhoids acting up anyhow, so there.

besides, they tell me that i must abstain from red meat for three days prior to the start of fecal art week, and after having been vegetarian for almost a decade, i am now apparently unable to go a week without accidentally ingesting some kind of lightly roasted herb-scented wildebeest.

and now you know and wish you didn't. you can thank j.

*it would be rude to paint with one's poop in a toilet other than one's own. it would be equally awkward with guests around to march into one's own bathroom wearing latex gloves and clutching a painting stick.


Anne said...

How do you wish good luck for a situation like this? There are so many possible jokes in poor taste... Oh dear, it doesn't bear thinking about. Good luck with your bum, very sincerely, and I hope everything goes smoothly.

In other poop news, I'm in Japan, Land of Constipation (for realz! the Internet said so!), and am complementing my diet of soft rice and fried things with prunes and fresh greens. You keep me posted on your bum, and I'll keep you posted on mine, okay?

the polish chick said...

the land of constipation, huh? sounds fantastic and vaguely disturbing. i am seeing a weirdly illustrated children's book...

so, anne, are you ever home?

i wish your bum luck as well.

Geneviève said...

Thanks J. Whoever you are.
That was indeed more information than expected. But then again, I should know better than to expect less detail. Good luck bum!

Alison Cross said...

I am intrigued.

Will there be pictures of this artwork?

I shall tune in to find out *how things worked out*. Hmmm that's possibly a bad choice of phrase, but still, you know what I mean.

Ali x

the polish chick said...

alison, welcome!

as for the poo pictures, i think it'll be more of a miniatures triptych type of thing, but if they turn out well, there's always etsy! i'll keep you posted.

Alison Cross said...

I once saw on Eurotrash, many years ago, a chap who made paintings of people's anuses (anusi?!) complete with the model's pubes.

Mind you, with Eurotrash, I was always a bit hammered from the pub, so I might have dreamed all that....

I await the Etsy shop with bated breath :-)

Ali x