26 April, 2010

the asshole maneouvre

i put that on the title because i love the sheer globbering pile of vowels in that word. i mean, come on, if you were writing it, wouldn't you just write manoover and be done with it? but what would be the fun in that?!

so, what i wanted to tell you, to announce to the glittering world at large, was that sunday was Official Asshole Day. ok, it wasn't official, it sort of just happened, and i really didn't want it to be, but hell, it was, and i might just as well face it.

here's what happened (readers' digest version: saturday i froze my tookus off on a boat* so i could capture and eat crustaceans, and that made me cold and cranky and gave me residual asshole...could also have been pms, what the hell do i know?). on sunday morning, as per usual, i got on my computer and proceeded to write all manner of stuff: fb updates, fb comments, blog comments etc, and every single thing i wrote, no matter how nicely i meant it, turned into Asshole. every. single. goddamn. thing. Asshole, Asshole, Asshole. all over the bloody place. so instead of learning my lesson like a good girl and signing off with minimum collateral damage, i continued to write myself into an Asshole corner, Assholing all over the place.

so, if i wrote anything at all on your blog or fb or any other electronic writey thingie, i am sorry. deeply and profoundly sorry. i did not mean to tell you (essentially) that you need to find a hobby and shut the hell up. i did not mean to suggest that you were a lousy speller. i did not mean to imply that i was a fancy bitch buying up property all over the west coast. i most certainly did not mean to call your mama a crack ho, and kicking that little old lady? that was an accident, pure and simple. just so you know, hours later, while engaging in whatever random non-electronic writey related activity, i suddenly realised that i had Assholed and i felt very terrible. and then i'd go and Asshole again. oops.

i hope it's over and i won't wake up at 3 in the goddamn a.m. only to realise that in writing this here post i have inadvertently Assholed again. if so, i hope you forgive me.


*the bad news: bloody goddamn COLD. the good news: no seaskickness whatsoever despite large and wavey waves that wove the boat all over the place.

2 comments:

Geneviève said...

I have days like that. I know one person close to me (and you'll be happy to know it's not you, and of course not Bill) who makes a habit of saying nice things with all kinds of mean shit written between the lines.

jools said...

you crack me up!