17 February, 2010

run, fat girl, run! part three

one of the reasons i've been in a funk (at first i thought it was pre PMS, then PMS, then MS and now we're moving into distinctly post MS territory, so i may as well face it - i'm a wee bit depressed) is that i've been exercising with (for moi) astonishing regularity, and all i've been doing since leaving the northern hellhole of fort mac, is putting on weight. it isn't really a galloping weight gain, more of a creeping, sneaking, looking around and whistling while moving in on me, weight gain, but it's depressing the shit out of me.

thank god that muumuus seem to be making a comeback. if not for the batwing floppy top i'd be screwed. as it is, our foray into the world of nanaimo culture (joni mitchell's "the fiddle and the drum" ballet) had me creeping against the walls in the horrifying realisation that i have a fat lumpy back. i have never had a fat lumpy back before. let me tell you - i do not like it.

i work out with perfectly coiffed old ladies 2-3 times a week. i walk uphill (both ways) on a semi-regular basis. i even try to limit my wine consumption (i know!). alas and alack, we have an astounding (and by astounding i mean satanically unequivocally evil) number of stellar (and by stellar i mean malevolently flagitiously heinous) bakeries that make truly delicious (and by delicious i mean...hell, you look it up; i'm running out of synonyms for "of the general vicinity of gehenna") bread.

while i can easily say no to wonderbread* or what passes for baguettes in most grocery stores, i cannot so easily walk away from a sourdough made from a real sourdough starter, or a double baked german rye whose crust requires the use of one's full uninterrupted dentition. nor, it seems, can i say no to creme brulee. but then again, i never could. i think it would make me less than human if i did. after all, come on - creme brulee, you know?

so, what to do? and how is it that while i always figured moving away from fort mac would result in me sleeping better (it did! it did!), looking better (meh.) and losing a tonne of weight from the sheer joy of it, the results have been, well, the reverse of the expected, frankly. is it because in fort mac i was so very worried about mr. monkey that i fed him vast quivering gobs of vegetable matter and now i figure the balmy air of bc is nutritious enough? because, my little poultries, if you eat the recommended 10 servings** of veg and fruit, you'll have precious little room for other stuff, like cake...oh cake....

this age-related metabolic slow down thing really really sucks.

so. keep checking on me, willya? call me names. being cheerfully called chubster mcfatty would likely do wonders for the rate of my cake consumption. missy backbacon ought to work as well. and i suspect that you can come up with some good ones yourselves. so go to town, my little poultries, mama's got to lose this gut!

my faithful audience (all 4 of you), thank you for listening.

*good lord, why, america? why? just answer me that one thing and i'll let you off the hook on all the messing about you've been doing on the political world stage. it's almost better than the crime against humanity that is wonderbread. gack.

** yeah, yeah, i know, the official number is 4-5 servings, but i'm with the health nuts on this one. at least theoretically.


Pitur said...

I totally understand your uphill (both ways) thing. I bike to work uphill both ways...

I thought the upped the recommended vegetable servings due to falling nutritional value of a serving, so wouldn't 10 be the new recommendation?

Geneviève said...

Oh, evil, evil bread. And let's not forget evil, evil cheese. They are what makes life worth living. And they are also my constant enemy.

Sadly, exercise has relatively little effect on weight. It's all about the food and drink, I'm afraid. My only recommendation is to pick a few things you can't live without and call them sacred. Then try to (mostly) eliminate or replace the things that you like but can live without (if you like the cruchiness and saltiness of chips, might pickles be at least somewhat satisfying?).

Personally, I love eating so much that I chose to eliminate almost all beverages that aren't water because they are totally empty calories. I know that probably won't work for you because you love your fluids.

The other thing that I hear works well is to serve yourself a reasonable portion, put away the leftovers, and then sit to eat slowly (rather than bringing the food to the table or wolfing it down). Sometimes I also tell myself that if I'm still hungry in 15 minutes, I can have more. That gives Brain a chance to receive the 'full' signal.

You know all this crap, so I suppose this isn't much help. Depression causes some people to eat too much and others to eat too little. We got the shitty end of that deal.

I can't bring myself to call you names. Eat your veggies, girl.

Your mildly depressed and bread-obsessed twin,

Geneviève said...

I just thought of something that plagues non-flesh eaters. We depend on carbs to give us the satisfying feeling of fullness, short-lived though it may be. Eating lots of good proteins (like beans) is supposed to help make you feel full longer. Again, I don't suppose this is news to you.

Try as I might, I still can't call you names.

the polish chick said...

yeah, i do like my fluids. of course, i can hardly blame green tea on my weight gain, so i suppose it must be the wine. le sigh...

pitur - they say 5 servings because most north americans don't get anywhere near there. and no, potato chips don't count. health food people say 5-10. which, if you're like me (on good days) is really easy to accomplish, if you think that half a cup of veg is one serving! i just haven't been very vigilant, what with all the amazing breads around.

hey, g! don't tell me that about exercise or i'll never get off the couch again. i thought weight gain v. weight loss was always about calories burned v. calories consumed.